This Should Explain a Little

So -- while I am a dude who likes ladies, I must admit, I'm not sure if I have a 'type' of lady that is my go-to archetype for attractiveness. I don't tend to get too worked up over blonde/brunette/redhead, and I'm relatively nonchalant about any particular height or weight numbers. I mean, granted, I definitely find certain women more attractive than others, but they might not necessarily look the same, you know?

And then, there's this, probably the best example I can come up with. If somebody asked me what I thought of Zooey Deschanel, I would likely respond with, "Mmm. Yes please." Then, if that same hypothetical somebody asked me if I found Katy Perry attractive, I would probably say something like, "Meh, I dunno, she's not really my thing."

Erm.

I mean, obviously, right?

(h/t eject)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Stephen Fry

"Who do you feel more sorry for? Who do you actually want to hug? The person you happen to know has a tumour, and is just getting through life not talking about it, smiling, trying not to embarrass anybody about it; or the kind of person who’s always going, “My leg, that went there, and then I had this pain here and the doctor didn’t know what to do about it, and I get these flashes --” Oh, Christ, I’m sure it’s terrible for you dear, but shut up! Now – of course we do our best and we feel sorry for all kinds of people and we, you know, show sympathy, but – the real heroism of people who quietly get on with their lives and think of others should be rewarded, and usually is by the fact that they are liked. And if you’re liked, people want to be with you, and if people want to be with you they share opportunities with you, and you observe the way they do things, and your life can open up, and there are opportunities everywhere."

"I suppose the thing I most would liked to have known, or been reassured about, is that in the world, what counts more than talent, what counts more than energy or concentration or commitment or anything else is kindness. The more in the world you encounter kindness -- and cheerfulness, which is its kind of amiable uncle or aunt – the more, just the better the world always is. And all the big words – virtue, justice, truth – are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness."

More meandering insight to be found here, or here.  (h/t No Sign At All)

Sadly, the beast needs more torque

Well, on a sad note, Maury Chaykin has passed away. It was his 61st birthday today -- which, strangely, makes him exactly the same age as my mother. (She, thankfully, is in the pink of health, and yes, I did call her with birthday wishes long before I contemplated this blog post.) It also means that he is the second instrumental cog of the Whale Music movie to have shuffled off this mortal coil this year, as Paul Quarrington died in January. They both seem way too young to go, and all I can say is that I hope Dave Bidini is taking his vitamins.


Rest in peace, gentlemen.

 "The music ends, that is to say, it disappears forever to journey in the cosmos."

Wave of Decrepitude

Well -- I gotta say, I have no idea what you do for a living, and neither do I have any idea what hobbies you enjoy in your spare time. Maybe you're a nurse, or a cut-man in a boxer's corner. Maybe you enjoy dumpster diving at the hospital, or perhaps you're a groupie with an odd assortment of souvenirs gleaned from your personal associations with rock stars. What I'm getting at is, I have no idea how many plaster casts you see in an average day, but as for me, I could probably go a good six months without seeing a single one -- and even then, I couldn't guarantee you that seeing that single plaster cast would make a big enough impression that I'd even vaguely remember it the next day. So, yesterday was a little odd -- I saw:

• one plaster cast on a broken wrist on a customer in a Subway at Vic Park and Danforth at about 4 in the afternoon;
• one on the arm of the driver in a car next to me on the 401;
• one on the arm of  patron outside a gas station convenience store just outside of Belleville;
• and yet one more on the arm of the clerk at the Burger King counter in Belleville at about 10:30 at night.

So, what I'm gathering from that (besides the fact that I eat juu-u-ust a little too much fast food), is that the average South Ontarian suddenly needs a whole lot more calcium in their diet. Weird.

If I was on Twitter, this post wouldn't exist

Just to let you know -- I have a feeling that the next time I get drunk, I'm gonna try to make out with you.

You've been warned.

Oooh, watch out for sunburn

So, I don't know what this says about me, but apparently I have become your official source of news when it comes to events promising randomly harmless nekkidity. Thanks to NOW Magazine's calendar of upcoming events, I am possessed of the knowledge that Saturday June 12th is World Naked Bike Ride Day, and now, you know it too. I felt compelled to check their website, and I think my favourite part is when they say, "the Crown has acknowledged that participating in an orderly event naked is not illegal, so long as you are wearing something, such as shoes."  Seriously? Shoes are the limiting factor in how naked you are? Man, was I playing doctor wrong. It reminds me of years ago, when I was trying to figure out exactly what kind of documentation you needed to cross the border into the states, and I discovered that it was forbidden to transport a switchblade knife internationally, unless of course you only had one arm, in which case you were good to go.

I'm out of town for the next couple of days, and it's entirely likely I won't be back in the city on Saturday at all -- but if anybody was to make plans that just happened to involve being, oh, say, on a patio on Queen Street or a table in Dundas Square early Saturday afternoon, keep me posted. Of all the spectacles I should see before I die, 100 or so naked people on bikes is probably on the list.

Good things come to those who... mystify?

So, I realize it took a fairly long time for this little nugget to penetrate my consciousness -- but it just dawned on me that within a week or two, no matter what happens, either Ron Artest or Nate Robinson will be a bona fide NBA Champion.

Somewhere, Ricky Davis is reminding everyone who will listen, "I used to be a Celtic too, you know."

What's that Ashley MacIsaac song again?

So, not too long ago, I went through this weird stretch of about a week where I kept hearing songs that I hadn't heard in ages. Like, "She Ain't Pretty" by the Northern Pikes and "Anna is a Speed Freak" by Pure, that sort of thing. It was kinda cool, really, and I suppose I should thank CBC Radio for x-raying my brain and finding out what was on the stereo back when I lived in residence. You may see where I'm going with this -- one of the songs I heard was that Ashley MacIsaac song, but as luck would have it, I didn't catch it when the DJ told us the name of that particular ditty. No biggie, I usually have pretty decent recall when it comes to that sort of thing, I was pretty sure it would come to me eventually.

But then, it didn't. I wasn't wracking my brain or anything, but usually if I just let my mind wander something will come to me. Fairly easily, I knew that the song was off the album "hi how are you today?", with the incidental realization that the follow up album was titled "fine thank you very much." I also could remember that the woman who sang the Gaelic verses over top of Mr. MacIsaac's fiddlin' noises was Mary Jane Lamond, and I even remembered that her name was pronounced LAMM-und, as opposed to la-MOND -- but even with all this peripheral info crowding around, the name of the song just was not coming.

I let this percolate for about a week and a half, and nothing came to me. It wasn't particularly irksome, more kinda fascinating. I know I could easily have Googled the info, but that didn't seem like the point. For instance, I happened to catch some of Ashley doin' his thing at the opening ceremonies of the Vancouver Olympics, which leads me to believe that it's assumed the majority of Canadians should at least have some sort of idea who this guy is and what he does. Which sort of means that for me, a guy who was in his prime music-paying-attention-to years when Ashley MacIsaac was popular, I should have had a pretty decent handle on his career, but I couldn't have named one song for you. Weird. It made me wonder -- am I the only one, or is Ashley that much of a riddle wrapped in an enigma? Did he really just fill that niche so completely that he can be the fiddle playin', possibly scandalously bisexual guy and just be famous for being famous for the rest of his Canadian life?

So -- I took the question to the people. I sent out the email question, "Hey -- what's the name of that Ashley MacIsaac song?" to about 30 of my friends, with no other context, and with everybody in the BCC field. I deliberately kept it super-vague, partly to encourage any and all responses, and also partly because I enjoy a slight tendency towards jerkitude, and thought providing some minor frustration to my friends would be a hoot. I got about a 35% response rate, which I'm pretty happy with (although I am surprised that of all the crazy emails of mine that he has responded to, this music-related one is the one that the guy who compiles Top 1000 Song Lists lets slide by). The fun thing is that the first three guesses were "Devil in the Kitchen," which left me with a sort of ambivalent feeling -- it sounded not wrong, but somehow not right either. Then, since I'm sure the suspense is killing you, the winner rolled in, and it's "Sleepy Maggie." I'm sure you'll all sleep better tonight.

Thanks to all who responded, and thanks for all those who refrained from responding with a sarcastic, "What, is the Google key on your computer broken?" Special thanks to the three possibly facetious but definitely humorous responses: "The Devil's Laundry", "My Boyfriend's Back", and "Stroke That Scrotum Gently."

Oh, and if anybody knows the name of the other well-known Pure song that isn't "Anna is a Speed Freak," feel free to send that info my way. For some reason, I think it starts with D.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

So, for those of you interested in an update...

Atmosphere:

     The event took place in Tallulah's Cabaret, the bar adjoined to Buddies, which meant that both audience and participants were suitably fueled for a raucous evening. The place seats, oh, probably 150 people or so, and I'd say we were pretty much at comfortable capacity. Pretty much exactly the right amount of perversion in the air, too -- I mean, it's a room full of people who just paid money to attend a strip spelling bee, you know there's a decent lust quotient at work, but it never hit creepy. The vibe was pretty relentlessly positive and supportive, and the biggest cheers of the night were usually reserved for when somebody actually spelled something correctly. Good time had by all.

Contestants:

     There were 13 brave souls who took part, 7 men and 6 women. (There was a moment when an unusual bulge seemed to indicate a transgendered contestant, but later visual evidence proved otherwise.) There were varying degrees of readiness for what lay in front of them -- a couple of them looked like they had just stopped by on their way home from the library, while others had some specialty lingerie going on underneath. One guy showed up in a luchador mask, and stayed in character by Hulkamaniac-ing his shirt off when the time came. The amount of disrobing was totally up to the individual participant, with one girl dropping out completely after the second round (to disappointed applause, if there is such a thing). Everyone who stayed after that would be expected to get down to their underwear or to naked, whatever they were comfortable with, and there was probably about a 75% conversion rate. Obviously, there wasn't a whole lot of shy on stage to begin with, but it's worth pointing out the little known fact that people become 64% more confident and attractive when they're on stage in front of a room full of wildly cheering people. It's been proven by science, or possibly Girls Gone Wild.

Words:

     Well, there were 13 contestants who went through three rounds of one word each, plus a one-word spell-off at the end to determine the winner. Taking in to account the speller who dropped out, that means there were 39 words used in the competition. Four were spelled correctly.
     The organizers were pretty up-front about it -- they're here for the skin, so they deliberately chose words that would mess people up. To be fair, I think the people on stage were more interested in the strip part of the equation, so if you were looking for spellers you'd probably have better luck in the audience. You could often hear a buzz as people whispered guesses to the person beside them, but I'm guessing the scores weren't too much better than they were on stage. I consider myself a pretty good speller, and I can remember 7 that I would definitely have gotten: choucroute, algorithm, nebuchadnezzar, gusset, flibbertigibbet, verisimilitude, and detumescence. There were probably a couple of others that I might have guessed right at, but there were also a whole lot of others I had never heard of -- nisi, nuchal, and autochthonic, to name a few. It's not for the faint of heart.

Verdict:

     From a conversation overheard during a between-rounds break, it seems the organizer has done a few of these events in Montreal, but wasn't sure how it would go over in Toronto. Now that he's done one, and he's pretty confident that the cover charge will pay for the room rental and his train ticket back and forth, he'll almost certainly be reprising the event in the future. I could definitely be convinced to go again -- if it happens, I'll keep you posted.


Now, just for fun, I'll leave you with some spelling-related video.


UPDATE: I never really expected to be linking to the Toronto Sun in anything but an ironic way, but it's funny how life goes. We appear to have contrasting information on the size of the venue, but otherwise we're pretty in sync. Granted, she has a bit more biographical info/participant quotes, but I mean, come on, she was obviously cheating. She had a notepad.

Come sit for a spell

I was thinking -- I like to cultivate the impression that I am a well-rounded individual. I'm a theatre major who knows what Avogadro's number is, I can rattle off five Coen Brothers movies or the starting five for the Miami Heat, and I know both what the T in James T. Kirk stands for and what it's like to have kissed a girl. I mean, I tend to steer clear of politics, but if I was thrown into a random cocktail party and told to mingle, I could probably hold up my end of the conversation.

However, I wouldn't be surprised if, given a large enough sample size, certain patterns started to appear. Like, with all of these posts, I assume it would become apparent that I talk about some things more than others. For example, I haven't personally done the math, but those handy label thingies over to the right indicate that basketball and lacrosse pop up sorta frequently. And, if I just cast my mind back to the most recent missive, I have a hunch a couple more representative topics popped up -- namely, when I got all excited about a Rubik's cube giveaway, and when I discussed the prospect of people disrobing at a concert. If I had to guess, I'd say my oeuvre would skew heavily towards promoting the geeky and the people gettin' nekkid -- full frontal nerdity, if you will. (By the way, I'd love to take responsibility for coining that phrase, but no, I can remember Ben Seaver using it in an episode of Growing Pains around 20 years ago. Side note: I feel old.)

I bring this up because an event has come to my attention that seamlessly combines these two -- heck, if you allow 'competition' to be the umbrella my sports posts fall under, then I've hit the trifecta. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you -- a strip spelling bee.

Yep, that's correct, basically a strip poker game, only instead of cards, the contestants spell things. The very concept leaves me nigh-speechless. The other thing that I can hardly wrap my head around is that it is happening in Toronto, and in less than 48 hours from now, and that tickets to attend and observe this phenomenon are $10, well within my price range.

You understand, I have to go to this. It's not really an option not to. I mean, it's like if someone told you that they found a show where a monkey had been dressed up like a pirate and was going to be punching a cow -- you'd have to go. It's just non-negotiable. However -- this is where I discovered a touch of latent homophobia in myself. The shindig in question takes place at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, which has left me unsure as to the gender representation of the contestants. It's not the fact that I might be in for a night of all-male spellin'-and-strippin' that worries me, so much as the thought of looking like a single man who paid for the privilege of sitting by himself to watch a bunch of dudes get naked. I could take a deep breath and get over that, but if anybody here is interested in coming as my back-up, I'd feel a little more comfortable, all the more so if that person or persons possesses more ovaries than I do.

I would also whole-heartedly support any acquaintance who feels the urge to participate. You know, strictly for altruistic reasons.

That's right, I said bossest

You know, I'm gonna go on record and say that this group of people could quite conceivably come together to create one of the bossest Thanksgiving Day tables of all time. (This is, of course, operating on the assumption that Wikipedia would never lie to me about the interconnectedness of famous people.) So, without further ado:

Invitee #1: Beck, a musician-poet who transcends genres even as he re-invents them. Conveniently married to --

Invitee #2: Marissa Ribisi, best known to me as the red-headed girl from Dazed and Confused that gets Matthew McConaughey's attention.  She is otherwise known as the twin sister of --

Invitee #3: Giovanni Ribisi, a guy who is thisclose to being Leonardo DiCaprio. Seriously -- who else on the planet can put on their resume that they survived teen idol status on a late-80's/early 90's sitcom, only to go on to star in a James Cameron blockbuster? Do My Two Dads and Avatar ring a bell? Then, let's say he decides to get together with a guy he's known at least since high school --

Invitee #4: Ethan Suplee, the genius who portrays one of the most lovable idiots in TV history, Randy Hickey. Watch this YouTube clip (starting at about the 1 minute mark), and tell me you couldn't find something to talk about with this guy. (I also marvel that he makes me want to watch Without a Paddle.) He is married to --

Invitee #5: Brandy Lewis. Of her I know nothing, except that she is married to Ethan Suplee, and (more surprisingly) is the sister of --

Invitee #6: Juliette Lewis, who has always struck me as just plain old batshit insane. You know, in an intriguingly attractive sorta way, but still, bat-guts nuts. I remember talking about her when I was in university -- I didn't get the feeling she was a particularly versatile actress, but man, her agent was the hardest-workin' man in show business. Our compare and contrast example was Lara Flynn Boyle -- she managed to parlay her role on the cult show Twin Peaks into the '93/'94 murderer's row of The Temp, Threesome and Baby's Day Out (with the slight mitigation of a bit part in Wayne's World and the apparently underappreciated Red Rock West). Ms. Lewis' agent, on the other hand, turned roles on such immortal TV fare as I Married Dora and A Family for Joe into a goldmine. There's too much to keep in paragraph format, I gotta go to plaid and make a list here:

• Cape Fear (1991)
• Husbands and Wives (1992)
• That Night (1992)
• Kalifornia (1993)
• Romeo Is Bleeding (1993)
• What's Eating Gilbert Grape
• Natural Born Killers (1994)
• Mixed Nuts (1994)
• The Basketball Diaries (1995)
• Strange Days (1995)
• From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)  

 So, before her 25th birthday, she'd worked with Martin Scorcese, Woody Allen, Lasse Hallstrom, Oliver Stone, Nora Ephron, Kathryn Bigelow, and Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez. As of last count, that's 20 Best Director Academy Award nominations (with 5 wins) and 28 Best Screenplay Oscar Nominations (good for 4 gold statues). That is one hell of a star-studded run. I recommend her agent to anyone.

So yeah. To get back to my original point, if ever I tried to come up with a hypothetical who-would-you-invite-to-a-celebrity-fantasy-dinner-party guest list, this group of six will gain a substantial amount of bonus points on sheer plausibility.

It's nice to feel needed

So -- I just felt the need to share.

Just wanted to say, that, if I happen to be alone -- and it wouldn't happen otherwise, I act differently if other people are in the room -- but if I happen to be alone, the last eight to ten minutes of Season 3, episode 20 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer could make me cry.

Maybe twice.

NBA Power Rankings, February 10 2010

Full disclosure -- I missed a couple of weeks of these things for the ever-popular 'personal reasons' (some good, some bad, you know), and I'd really love to come back with a bullet, but I honestly just haven't been paying as much attention as usual lately. That, and with a lack of overtly newsworthy happenstances (unless yer a big fan of naked cell phone pics of athletes) means that I might just go a little off the rails with this one. You know, have some fun.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Now that they’re on this kind of roll, Shaq thinks LeBron should get his own movie where he comes out of a lamp. He should also be Dr. Manhattan-blue in it, but for the love of god, keep your pants on.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – Kobe Bryant has been forced – forced! – to miss some playing time due to injuries. He will spend every second until his next game meditating in a hyperbaric chamber, while the books-on-tape version of “A Million Little Pieces” is playing in the background.

3. Utah Jazz – I like seeing this team way up here. Jerry Sloan don’t care a fig.

4. Denver Nuggets – Effective April 1st, this team will officially change its name to “The Denver ButCanTheyBeatTheLakersInThePlayoffs.” That will be one bitchin’ jersey, lemme tell ya.

5. Orlando Magic – Charlie Villanueva once scored 48 points in an NBA game, and is now regarded rather wistfully as a quite talented player who lacks the drive to reach his full potential. Just sayin’.

6. Atlanta Hawks – Shaving your eyebrows. Thus far, pretty much the only new motivational tactic that Phil Jackson hadn’t already tried. Bravo, good sir.

7. Oklahoma City Thunder – One fish, two fish, young fish…

8. Boston Celtics – … old fish.

9. Phoenix Suns – I like to pronounce it, “Foh-ennix.” That has nothing to do with anything, except to advertise that there is obviously something wrong with me.

10. San Antonio Spurs – The Rodeo Trip has started, but no-one is scared.

11. Dallas Mavericks – Here is a list of words that rhyme with Dirk. Work. Perk. Berserk.

12. Toronto Raptors –You know, I’m kinda almost more interested in the psychology of the folks compiling these lists. Toronto is all over the map in terms of how people rate them, from a high of 8 on one list to a low of 16 on another. That’s a difference of 8 ranks, and only one other team is that hard to peg.

13. Portland Trail Blazers – I’m making no more Juwan-Howard-is-old jokes. Not only are they played out, and not only is he too close to my own age that the jokes sting a little, but I just found out he is exactly one year older than Steve Nash. One year older than a guy who is arguably playing better than he did when he won consecutive MVP awards. I don’t think 6 points, 5 boards and sound defence should be all that surprising.

14. Memphis Grizzlies – You know, I’ve wondered this for a while – why the heck is he called Z-Bo? What is that short for? Bonus side note – try googling “z-bo”. He’s getting better press than he used to, that’s for sure, exhibits A and B.

15. Houston Rockets – I would really like if this team made the playoffs. That said, I would really like this team to have at least one lottery pick on the roster. Tough decisions.

16. Charlotte Bobcats – This is the other team with an 8-point spread in the ranks, reinforcing my belief that this team is the anti-Raptors. Interesting to note is that in both cases, Hollinger is the outlier, and his no-bias numbers like Charlotte way better than the Raptors. Defence is overlooked, offence is sexy. I don’t trust this team, but I wouldn’t want to play against them, either.

17. Chicago Bulls – An historic five-game road win streak, followed by the traditional foot-shooting party at home. They’re probably gonna make the playoffs. Hooray for all of us?

18. Milwaukee Bucks – What is it with foreign-born 7-foot former number one draft picks with the initials AB this season? Are either one of them the number one pick if you do it all over again today? Nope. Are both of them finally starting to live up to their potential? Seems like yes. Especially the Aussie.

19. New Orleans Hornets – I’ve seen one pro football game live in my life, and it was a post-Katrina tilt in the Superdome. It was packed. That same week, I saw a Hornets game live, and the place was about five-eighths full. I’m not saying the Cajuns don’t love their roundball, but maybe, for this next week or two, they don’t miss Chris Paul as much as they might have.

20. Miami Heat – South Florida is a lovely place to work, but really, it’ll take a whole lot of free agents to fix this team. This better be one heck of a summer.

21. Philadelphia 76ers – And in one last bit of ranking psychology trivia, the 76ers are the most consistently ranked team on the list – unless you count the unanimous dead last spot for the Nets, but everybody discounts the Nets, it’s just a given. They were ranked 21 across the board except for one daring leap to 20. It was almost like everybody said, “Okay, I’ve taken care of every team that has a remote chance of making the playoffs in either conference. Who’s next? Huh, a four game winning streak. Sure, what the hell, put Philly here. It’s not like anyone cares.”

22. Los Angeles Clippers – Dunleavy waited until Super Bowl week to drop the coaching duties to concentrate on being a GM. It’s like he was specifically trying to avoid being the topic of another Simmons column.

23. Indiana Pacers – Alas, no-one cares.

24. New York Knicks – Alas, people care.

25. Washington Wizards – Gilbert Arenas will play for the Wizards next year. I feel it in my bones.

26. Minnesota Timberwolves – No trades. Add a pick, see what develops in the post-McHale era.

27. Detroit Pistons – I almost gotta start doubting Joe Dumars – especially when I figure, if he got fired tomorrow, his successor would have a hell of a time digging out from under this last few years.

28. Sacramento Kings – No trades. Add a pick, see what develops in the wow-they-have-a-lot-of-rookies era.

29. Golden State Warriors – I really want them to use their injury troubles as a marketing tool. Like, could you convince Charles Barkley to sign a 10-day contract? He wouldn’t be able to play a lick, and Monta would just keep racking up complete games, but it would definitely fill seats. And it’s not like it’ll screw up chemistry or hurt their record. Seriously, even with Marbury off the continent, you could go Sprewell, Francis, Bill Walton’s out of work lately. Stern would have your children kidnapped, but damn it would be funny.

30. New Jersey Nets – I am not a rapper.

Do not go gentle

This one has been knocking around in my head since before Christmas, but I hadn't figured out how to write it down. I still haven't, so this may be a bit more slipshod than I'd like it to be, but I've started now, so what the heck.

Around Christmas and New Year's time, I was feeling old, and it was really pissing me off. I'd like to chock it up to holiday depression, but there are a couple of things that have stuck with me. First -- my Mom's huge extended family is too big for normal Christmas Dinner at somebody's house, so every Boxing Day we rent a hall. This hall is conveniently located above an ice rink, which we also rent for a couple of hours of spirited over-30 versus under-30 shinny. We've been doing this for 20 years or so, and in that time you get pretty well acquainted with what people can do on the ice. That uncle doesn't know how to pass, that cousin doesn't know how to skate, that sort of thing. I have one cousin who's probably about 25 who has always had better skills than me (although he only passes to the open man if it's his brother or his father, so he's usually pretty easy to neutralize), but even if he was able to dipsy-doodle around me, I never had any problem keeping up on the speed side of things. This year, however -- there were problems. He was just that little bit faster and I was just that little bit slower, and I found myself starting to play like it was a real game, like just kinda bumping him or trying to wrap him up a little as he went by. In short, I was using all the old guy tricks that my Dad uses, except that I'm 34 and he's 61 and he's been dragging the middle-aged gut of success around for at least a decade and a half by now. (Side note -- I use all those old guy tricks at lacrosse all the time, but because I hadn't grown up playing against these guys, it feels more like a general lack of talent as opposed to any erosion of my skills, which is somehow easier to take.) It pissed me off that I could neither keep up, nor accept the aging process with equanimity. Damn.

Episode two -- which actually happened first chronologically, but I like the flow of the story better if I talk about this second -- was at a White Cowbell Oklahoma concert. I've seen these guys a buncha times, and they have a well-earned reputation as a no-holds-barred live show. In the shows I've been to, I've seen a man dressed as Santa Claus pull a watergun disguised as a two-foot penis out of his pants and baptise as much of the front row as he could manage. I've seen a Christmas show where two, uh, exotic dancers dressed up as presents appeared on stage, and proceeded to unwrap each other down to outfits more suited for birthdays, if you catch my drift. I've also seen a show where the lead guitarist dropped trou, placed a shot glass over his lead singer, and played a solo on a slide guitar held just south of waist level by four lovely volunteers from the audience; and then later on watched as the band shelled out hundreds of dollars to convince young ladies in the audience to part with articles of clothing. They go out of their way to be a capital R Rock'N'Roll Band, with all the sex, drugs and cocoa puffs you can cram into an evening's entertainment.

That said -- this pre-Christmas show was kinda disappointing. It was their 10th anniversary show, and they pulled out some of the stops, in that they gave away near-ancient merch and managed to ressurect a long-rumored dead drummer, but there was still a sense of toned-down-ness about it all. I think they may have had some legality issues with their shows, because even though they still have the exotic dancers, there's no threat of 'unclad' anymore, it remains firmly in the domain of 'scantily clad'. They've downsized a couple of band members, too, including the lead singer, and while they were a large enough number to begin with that it wasn't overly noticeable, it still speaks to the fact that maybe not everybody's built to spend 10 years acting like the drinkin'-est mofo on the planet. The whole show, while rockin' enough on a musical level, just seemed tamer than it used to be, and it felt like maybe people were gonna outgrow it. I actually wouldn't be surprised if the band breaks up before they play Toronto again, and yes, that makes me feel old.

So -- I don't like being pissed off, so I've been attempting to do something about it. I could just accept it and try to be graceful about losing some abilities while gaining in experience and insight -- you know, turn turn turn and all that -- but screw that. To counteract my sporting decline, I am going against pretty much all of my instincts and trying to get into better shape. Exercising is one thing, but god help me, I've actually been reading food labels and checking the fat content. I figure I have maybe two or three more years where I can at least maintain what limited proficiency I have, and declining at 37 seems way less traumatic than declining at 34. I don't know how it'll go -- I have an embarrasing tendency towards tantrums when I think I should be better at a sport than I actually am -- but I'm giving it a shot.

And as for the other thing -- well, like I say, I don't know if WCO will ever do another Toronto show, but if they do, I will do my part to restore some of their former glory. Based on the twin pillars of audience participation and gratuitous nudity, I will steal a page from the band's playbook and offer cold hard cash to anybody who joins the band on stage and shows off an asset or two. I'm not exactly expecting a rush of people looking to take me up on the offer, but dammit, to make up for my wasted youth of responsible action and sober decisions I have to make it anyway. I'm not currently publishing rates because there's bound to be a sliding scale -- while I am duty-bound to support a Rock Out With Your Cock Out policy, it is likely to be less lucrative than a Rock Out With Your Boobs Out Policy, rhyme scheme be damned -- and in case of a Bizarro-world plethora of applicants there would be a first-come-first-served kinda limit, but suffice to say I will be open to negotiation. I am not known for being a hard-line negotiator and I could probably be convinced to reimburse the ticket price of any girl who wears a sufficiently cleavage-y shirt, so feel free to extrapolate from there.

Who dat?

The New Orleans Saints are playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday, which happens to be nine calendar days prior to the Mardi Gras celebration in that city. If you asked me to recommend a time and place to spend (just over) a week's holiday, I could definitely think of worse uses of your vacation time.

What comes to light

So, I had my email sorta hacked into recently -- some nefarious decepticon-type entity managed to send a message from my account to the first fifty names in my address book. In light of this, some things have occurred to me.


1. Of the first fifty names in my address book, 15 bounced back to me immediately because the account in question was no longer active, probably 6-8 more were merely duplicate addresses that I had for people, 4 or 5 were people I either haven't emailed directly in years or only have them in my contacts because I reply-alled to some other email, and the first 50 addresses only get me up to the D's. Perhaps it's time for me to do some Hotmail spring cleaning.

2. Not often does someone get to send his dad, his sister, his brother's girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend and a couple of ex-co-workers a link to an ad for a Viagara-like medication. And usually when it does happen, it's the basis of a reality show that airs on Showcase on Friday nights.

3. And really, if I possessed the awesome ability to hack into Hotmail, I highly doubt the best use I could come up with for this talent would be the further propagation of spam. Seriously, if it's money you're looking for, start scanning emails for credit card numbers, or advertise for a legitimate product. Conversely, if you're just enamored with the thrill of getting away with stuff (as depicted in immortal cinematic masterpieces like Sneakers and Hackers), then send everybody in a given contact list a generic suicide note. That'd get people talking.

Seriously?

Well, this is odd.

I understand that there have been something like 300 million of these cubes sold worldwide, so there's gotta be some sort of overlap with basketball game attending population -- but, really? Are these things so much more likely to garner casual fan attendance than the crazy bobbleheads do?

Huh.

Well, yeah, actually. I own two of the bobbleheads myself (a Bosh and a Calderon, if you must know), and I'm never sure where to put the damn things. If I can buy a $12.50 ticket and get a $29.95 retail value cube as well as the basketball game out of it, I may be sorely tempted.

I am, after all, incredibly geeky.

Just wouldn't have thought I was the target audience.

NBA Power Rankings, January 19 2010

I’ve gotten approximately 1 hour of sleep in the last 30, and I’m gonna try to bang this out while listening to the Cleveland-Toronto game. The Cavs have just played 3 down to the wire games, but at home, really, they should crush the Raptors. I’m kinda torn between getting a win and getting some sleep. Ah well.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Winning two out of three buzzer beaters is better than losing two out of three – but they usually don’t let teams stay within buzzer beater range. I’m sure once they’re back home it’ll all get back to normal.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – So, when time inevitably catches up with Kobe, when he’s 48 or so and can’t quite will his body to ignore everything but the ball – do you think anybody will tell him? I figure I’m staying the hell out of the blast radius the first time a coach asks him to come off the bench. All I’m sayin’ is, Gil’s guns weren’t loaded.

3. Denver Nuggets – A healthy Billups appears to be roughly as important to his team as a healthy Garnett. Great, another team that you won’t have an accurate picture of until April.

4. Atlanta Hawks – I would have to assume that once they moved past Orlando in the standings, the idea that the East’s Big Three has become the Big Four has pretty much become accepted wisdom.

5. Boston Celtics – There should be more to say about a team this high in the standings, with this many potentially annoying personalities, with such potential for wreaking havoc in the post-season. There should be.

6. San Antonio Spurs – Pop has pretty much conceded that the regular season ain’t all that important, with Duncan getting dismissed from back to backs. It’s probably easier to do when the backup can reel off a 20/20 game, but still.

7. Dallas Mavericks – Dirk. That is all.

8. Orlando Magic – If yer gonna go in a funk, ya might as well have started out 17-4 to make it kinda palatable. Oh, and because it’s apparently obligatory for me to point his out, Vince Carter is appearing to be the weak link again. I don’t even know if he is, but that just seems to be his lot in life.

9. Portland Trail Blazers – I’d like to see them sign Jordan to a 10-day. They need the bodies, might be kinda fun.

10. Phoenix Suns – I have this hunch the All-Star break will be good for this team. Not like they’re gonna explode after that, but at least get back to holding their own.

11. Oklahoma City Thunder – It just doesn’t even matter, this is just all gravy. They’ve matched last season’s entire win total already so far, and they might make the playoffs. Keep learning.

12. Utah Jazz – Sundiata. Sun-dee-AH-tah. I just like saying Sundiata. As in, ‘sun day, I oughta get a shot at the NBA,’ you know.

13. Memphis Grizzlies – I can’t get used to these guys being here. And it doesn’t seem to be a fluke, either. Who knows where the pieces end up next year, but what the heck, enjoy it while it lasts.

14. Toronto Raptors – Last week, the Raptors played three games, and had 20+ point leads in all of them. Granted, they only won two of them, but if your game is offence, that’s a sign you’re playing your game.

15. New Orleans Hornets – I dig that they’ve made strides, and in Paul I trust, but they’ve still got to ask at least three teams to go in a funk before they can be in the playoff conversation. It may be a long trip.

16. Charlotte Bobcats – I think I’ve figured it out – this team is like the mirror-Raptors. Always sound defensively, finally figured out how to not be putrid offensively, and it starts to pay dividends.

17. Houston Rockets – It really makes me sad to see the Rockets all the way down here. I have no idea if they’ll be able to bounce back up the standings, but their second half should be easier than their first. I hope it works.

18. Miami Heat – They just keep on keepin’ on. It’s impressive, or it would be if it wasn’t maddening.

19. Chicago Bulls – Again, how did the Bulls get all the way back up here? Oh right, previously unexploited natural athletic talent. Nice to have that to fall back on.

20. New York Knicks – The whole, “sign-a-short-contract-and-hope-your-play-warrants-a-raise” gambit (you know, intentional or not) seems to be working out okay for David Lee, huh? Nate, maybe less so, but maybe the dunk contest ups his Q-rating a bit.

21. Los Angeles Clippers – If your team was comprised of consummate professionals, you could probably do the smart business thing and trade your biggest expiring contract for some good assets, regardless of the fact that Griffin’s not coming back this year. For this team, though, it’s a tough call – you do not want to go through two solid months of sulk.

22. Milwaukee Bucks – Jerry Stackhouse, huh? All right, we can give that a shot.

23. Indiana Pacers – I get the feeling everybody south of here is gonna make the right noises about playing hard, but really, they’d probably be happy to just let this season fade into the sunset.

24. Philadelphia 76ers – Seriously, it’s hard to tell me your starting centre has basketball uppermost in his mind right now.

25. Sacramento Kings – Well, maybe these guys you could convince that better things are coming.

26. Detroit Pistons – This team, on the other hand, I get the feeling they’re in for a long couple of years. A long, expensive, not very win heavy couple of years.

27. Washington Wizards – I can’t imagine what’s next on the docket for this team. Everything’s in play – win the lottery, void a contract, trade the whole damn bunch. Crazy.

28. Golden State Warriors – Monta Ellis has 9 complete games. I didn’t even know that was a basketball stat.

29. Minnesota Timberwolves – These guys are so bad, they can’t even be bad enough to be the worst. (It’s metaphysical, think about it for a sec and it’ll come to you.)

30. New Jersey Nets – I gotta say, this is becoming one of my favourite teams to blurb about. It’s just a given that they’re awful, and I’m only expected to pay as much attention to basketball as the team itself does, i.e., not a whole heck of a lot. Like, currently, I’m wearing a new pair of jeans I got for Christmas. They fit okay, but I have a hunch they don’t flatter my ass they way they should. And it’s a fairly decent ass, too. I blame Old Navy.

It's the future already

Okay, I'm just a little freaked out by this -- on a whim, I punched "Braggin', kinda" into Google, and roughly fourteen minutes after I published the original post, there it is, the number one hit. I'm now a little embarrased to ever again sit in front of the computer in my underwear. They know just a little too much.

Braggin', kinda

Reason #462 to stay friendly with your exes:

So when they find cool stuff of yours that got hidden away in a box when everybody did the uncomfortable move-out thing years ago, they actually seek you out to give it back to you, rather than ditch it.

Life ain't so bad.

NBA Power Rankings, January 14 2010

Yeah, these were originally meant for Tuesday, but some unexpected away-from-the-computerness, followed by some unexpected my-internet-isn't-workingness, has kinda delayed the whole shebang. Better late than never, I guess.

Also, I've realized that these things are kinda visually boring as a wall of text, so I'll try to throw some pictures in there when I can. I'm a words guy, though, so it may not make all that much sense. Let's see how it goes.

---------------------------------

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Okay, so, you pat LeBron on the butt and he gets all angry and focused and destroys the other team. I guess that makes sense. Although – does that mean the rest of the time when he’s making the NBA his bitch, he’s not particularly focused? Geez, that’s a little scary.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – So this is why there was all that support for Steve Nash winning those two MVPs. Who’s the best player on the Lakers? Kobe Bryant, no question, no doubt. Who’s the most important player on the Lakers? Well, Kobe, obviously – unless it might be Pau Gasol, who lets Kobe perform to his full capabilities. It’s a silly question, but enough for a reasonable doubt to percolate.

3. Boston Celtics – Most scrubs are either super talented and not so bright, or pretty bright and a little less talented. It seems like all the C’s scrubs fall into the second category. They don’t, but it seems that way, you know?

4. Dallas Mavericks – They didn’t start the season on a roll, and they didn’t start in a slump and have to go on a roll to get here. They’ve just been sorta consistently excellent all year, probably as consistent as any team out there. This is what they are. It won’t win them any trophies, but it’s nothing to sneeze at.

5. Orlando Magic – Now, I live in Toronto, so all of the media I’m gonna see is not gonna be so unbiased when it comes to Mr. Vince Carter. But, seriously? Did you see how he separated his shoulder? I’ve had hugs that were more violent than that. Half Man, Half Amazingly Fragile.

6. San Antonio Spurs – Do you think they can afford to sit Parker for twenty games or so, let the plantar fasciitis get a bit healed? I don’t think they can. Shame, really.

7. Phoenix Suns – Now, these guys are a great team, but I think the unexpected hot start has sorta inflated their rating. They’re not going anywhere, but other teams might still catch them, if you know what I mean.

8. Atlanta Hawks – Like these guys. Does anyone think they’re playing at their full potential? And yet here they are, considered the 8th best team in the league. That’s a little disconcerting.

9. Denver Nuggets – These guys, too. With the right doctors (of course, they require both the medical and the head-shrinking variety), this team is right there with anybody. There are gonna be a lot of disappointed fans when only one team wins the whole enchilada.

10. Portland Trail Blazers – Thirty-six year old Juwan Howard is your starting centre. Bravo.

11. Oklahoma City Thunder – Blah blah blah, Durant’s phenomenal, yeah we know. Just wait until next year when he’s all over the TV. He won’t be quite so much your favourite underdog anymore. He’ll just be your favourite, whether you want him to be or not.

12. Houston Rockets – What other general manager has leeway from the fans to let a $23 million dollar player just walk away, without trying to get any more value from him than open payroll space at the end of the year?

13. Utah Jazz – Sure, the Jazz are inconsistent, but does any team really want to face them in a seven game series? Well, except maybe the Timberwolves, but you know what I mean.

14. Toronto Raptors – I was waiting all season for my Raps to make it into the top half of the league, and here we are. Of course, the satisfaction was kinda tempered by a 23-point loss to the Pacers, and, you know, the fact that it was such a mediocre goal to begin with.

15. New Orleans Hornets – And also making a return to the top half of the league, the Hornets. They’ve got a lot of ground to cover if they wanna be a Western playoff team, but I would have a hard time betting against Chris Paul. That’s all I’m saying.

16. Memphis Grizzlies – Could you legitimately put Pau Gasol as an all star power forward and have Marc Gasol as your backup all-star centre in the West? I think you could. That’s a nice little family reunion, don’t ya think?

17. Miami Heat – Really? Rafer Alston’s half season audition with the Nets this year made you want to go out and sign him? I get that he’s a stop-gap contract, but still, how you expect him to be better than just about anything you already have, well, I’m having a hard time grasping that concept.

18. Los Angeles Clippers – So, finally, you’re starting to play smart enough that your results start to match your talent, and then you get word that your prize rookie is twice as injured as originally thought. It’s a special kinda person who sticks with being a Clippers fan.

19. Charlotte Bobcats – These guys are just pesky. I usually like pesky – my favourite baseball players are invariably second basemen and left-fielders – but I just can’t get behind these guys. It’s like an entitled pesky, or maybe an overpaid pesky, or something. They’re not going anywhere, but really, who cares?

20. New York Knicks – It’s a good thing D’Antoni can get these guys to play hard for him, because they’re the same guys he’s gonna have next year. The revolution isn’t gonna be as widespread as people think.

21. Chicago Bulls – I think most of this team is just hoping nobody really notices them. Shhh.

22. Milwaukee Bucks – Michael Redd seems like a good guy, so I’m glad he managed to get a gold medal before his knee exploded. Other than that, though, I would start making basketball plans that did not include him. A shame.

23. Sacramento Kings – Odds are good that these guys will get to add another lottery pick to this collection next year. That’s gotta be good for the long-term plans.

24. Philadelphia 76ers – The whole here is less than the sum of its parts. There will be trade interest – or there would be, if the parts weren’t paid so freaking ridiculously well.

25. Golden State Warriors – And an injury to Randolph. Great. His trade value goes down, he’s stuck in Golden State for at least one more of his crucial development years, and we never know what might have been.

26. Washington Wizards – If this team does get blown up, I can only hope they trade Jamison and DeShawn Stevenson to the Cavs for Shaq. While it kinda makes basketball and contract sense, I can’t see anybody actually pulling the trigger on that, since it would make at least two of the three principals very disgruntled. However, because I am a jerk at heart, I find disgruntlement eternally amusing, and can only hope it happens.

27. Indiana Pacers – Now that Granger’s back, they can start making that run at 10th place in the Eastern Conference! Whoo-hoo!

28. Detroit Pistons – Too many people in that locker room have been on winning teams before. This has gone beyond frustration, all the way to white-hot anger. Look out.

29. Minnesota Timberwolves – When a team can be going through a 10+ game losing
streak and still be ranked better than you -- that can not be construed as a good sign.

30. New Jersey Nets – There are worse things than being number 30. For instance,
it’s a square pyramidal number, so it has that going for it.

Witness for the defence

Well, I don't have much of an opinion on the Gilbert Arenas thing. Owning a gun is kinda out of my realm of experience, so why someone would think it's a good idea to bring not one, not two, but three of them to work is just beyond me. I won't argue the right to bear arms -- I've eaten food that looked suspiciously like Bambi before someone I knew took aim (and it was tasty) -- but it's a pretty cut and dried rule that guns are verboten on NBA property, so Mr. Arenas is gonna have to man up to the consequences.

However -- what I do have a problem with is the idea that those consequences could include the Wizards  now being able to void his contract, based on a "moral terpitude" clause in the collective bargaining agreement between the NBA and the NBA Players Union. There's a whole lotta gray area here for me. Hypothetically. at the one end -- if a player is convicted of a felony (let's say something concerning dog-fighting) and scheduled to be in prison for the remainder of his athletic contract -- well, of course I have no objection to an owner getting out from under that waste of money, strictly based on the physical availability of the athelete. However -- that's not really the issue here. The thing that kills me here is that the drastic step of voiding Arenas' contract is only being discussed because it's such a disastrous contract for the Wizards. He's owed something in the neighbourhood of eighty million dollars over the life of his deal, and there's little doubt that in pure basketball terms, Arenas just isn't worth that kind of scratch any more. He's only 28, but he's had a couple of serious knee injuries, and he just hasn't been able to recapture the magic. He's still a capable NBA player, but not one that a franchise wants to base its whole salary structure around. If he was, though -- if there were 29 other NBA teams who were willing to snap him up at that price -- I have a hunch the Wizards would be letting the world know how disappointed they were with Gilbert's choices, but they have decided to support him as he takes responsibility for his actions.

I guess this is the thing. The Wizards management offered that contract to Gilbert Arenas. (Because I'm a weak little man, I can't resist pointing out that no-one held a gun to their heads.) They agreed to the dollar figures, the length of the contract, and the personality of the guy who was signing on the dotted line. That is their action, and anything following after that -- players being injured, players being suspended, players getting older, players getting stupider in their old age -- can be construed as consequences of that initial action. If Gilbert Arenas is suspended for 50-odd games and forfeits millions of dollars of salary, that is him taking responsibility for his actions. If the Wizards then void his contract, and get salary cap relief and a roster spot and improved locker room chemistry -- that strikes me as letting the bosses download responsibility for their actions on to the employees. As far as I'm concerned, that's a moral decision that the Wizards would be getting wrong, and it seems hypocritical of the NBA to condone this kind of immorality in the process of condemning another. The high ground would be pretty shaky.

One last thing -- if this does work out for the Wizards, I would like to prognosticate right now that someone will find a gun in Eddy Curry's locker before the end of the season. It might even be his.

NBA Power Rankings January 5 2010

Well -- let's just get right to it, shall we? 

---------------------------------------

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Shaq bought LeBron a car for his birthday? Really? I don’t care if you’re close team mates and co-workers, and if the size of your paycheque makes this a mere token of your esteem – that’s a little creepy to me. Just keep playing defence, and sign the card going round the locker room, and we’re good, thanks.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – So, Option 1A has to sit down for a while. I’m a big fan of the Spanish national team, but I wonder if their trainers could use a visit from the Suns staff? Lotsa hammy issues.

3. Orlando Magic – Last year, people figured this team overachieved to get where they were, but now, not so much. Again, I have this hunch it’ll all tighten up when the games really matter, but right now, talent alone will keep this team ticking along.

4. Boston Celtics – Okay, so the injury gods weren’t satisfied with the Pierce offering, they went back for seconds and thirds. The Celts still won (yeah, it was just the Raps, but still), and injuries now are way preferable to injuries in March. I’m sure all concerned will live with it.

5. Dallas Mavericks – I never have anything to say about these guys. Dirk is awesome, but the problem is, they’ve set the bar so high that anything less than a Finals run will feel a little disappointing, and does anybody honestly see that happening?

6. San Antonio Spurs – This is a little weird – they appear to be rounding into form, but they haven’t gone on the Rodeo trip yet. I’d be a little discombobulated if this constitutes peaking too early.

7. Portland Trail Blazers – This is still a good team. A good team with lead weights crashing into its ankles, granted, but still a good team. It just remains to be seen if a shorthanded good team can be better than a healthy Memphis or Thunder. Man, it’d be nice to be in the East. Just ask Hedo.

8. Atlanta Hawks – Okay, now that’s the Hawks we all know, losing to the Heat because they don’t focus their talent properly. That’s a relief to the rest of the League.

(wait a beat)

No, I was just trying to convince myself. It’s a blip, they’ll be fine, and they’re still scary.

9. Phoenix Suns – I think these guys really enjoy going to work every day. That’s a gift, and I’d take it.

10. Denver Nuggets – Injuries haven’t hit these guys harder than any other teams, but they seem to be more affected by them so far. Does Chauncey want to be a coach when he retires? I bet he could get some work.

11. Houston Rockets – Okay, I wasn’t sure who you could plug into this line-up to make them better, but the T-Mac for Iguodala rumours piqued my interest. I can’t for the life of me figure out why Philly would think this was a good idea, but if it happens, I may need to get a tattoo to memorialize the event.

12. Oklahoma City Thunder – I just shake my head. This year was just supposed to be practice.

13. Utah Jazz – So, I suppose, you shouldn’t be surprised by inconsistency from a team named after a series of discordant notes?

14. Memphis Grizzlies – Yeah, that Jazz blurb was awful, sorry about that. It did, however, give me an excuse to write about something that isn’t the Grizzlies in the Memphis slot, and that can never be over-rated.

15. Miami Heat – I hadn’t realized that there’s no state income tax in Florida, which means Wade would have to leave even more money on the table if he wanted to jump ship as a free agent. No wonder everybody there is so secure in waiting for the future.

16. Toronto Raptors – I’d like to feel good about December for a bit longer, but January starts out a little rough, so it may be a toughie.

17. New Orleans Hornets – I’d have to assume Chris Paul is getting a little more help lately.

18. Charlotte Bobcats – So, if you’re finally gonna win a road game, you might as well do it in Cleveland, just to make up for all the other ones you probably coulda won. If they ever learned the basketball fundamental of not giving the ball to the other team, they might be dangerous.

19. Chicago Bulls – Fans are fickle. Vinny still has a job, but since his team won a few times, people aren’t as angry about it. Just wait.

20. New York Knicks – Nate gets forty-one points off the bench to beat the Hawks. Forty-one. Forty-one. I’m sorry for fixating on the number as opposed to emphasizing that it happened in a victory, but it just sorta seemed appropriate in this case. Next week I’ll talk about Larry Hughes, and likely use almost the same template.

21. Sacramento Kings – Ah, youth, where you get to play like you don’t realize you’re supposed to lose. Fun times.

22. Los Angeles Clippers – My favourite NBA punching bag is Ricky Davis – there’s just something about the guy that curls my upper lip. The fact that a former 20-point scorer averages under 12 minutes a game for the below .500 Clippers when he’s only 30, well, it’s one of those things that indicates the universe will eventually balance out.

23. Philadelphia 76ers – I don’t want to see Iverson voted on to the all-star team, and yet, I do. Hubris is intoxicating.

24. Milwaukee Bucks – It’s easy to be a playoff team when your rookie point guard drops 55. The odds of him averaging that feat, however, are somewhat slim.

25. Detroit Pistons – Less than a month ago, the Pistons were 15th on this list. There are other bad teams going through other bad stretches, but nobody’s fallen as hard as these guys.

26. Golden State Warriors – Please, don’t reduce me to writing about Corey Maggette. A fine player I’m sure, but come on -- on that roster, if he’s the storyline, there’s a young stud/riddle/project/freak-of-nature who’s being neglected.

27. Washington Wizards – I gotta say, it’s nice when teams way down at the bottom of the list give me something easy to write about. That said, resorting to firearms might be working a touch too hard for attention. Whatever happened to just flipping the bird to opposing fans? I’m almost nostalgic for a sex tape scandal.

28. Indiana Pacers – Troy Murphy is making eleven million dollars this year? Wow. I mean, I have absolutely nothing against the guy, but was he a franchise player at some point and I missed it?

29. Minnesota Timberwolves – There are people who write about the Minnesota Timberwolves every day, and some of them don’t even get paid for it. This is that kind of world.

30. New Jersey Nets – Honestly, I think the most important thing they could do would be to just shower the players with non-basketball related perks for the rest of the season. Get a bunch of stand-up comics to shag balls and keep the practices light-hearted. Spring for bi-weekly spa days for the wives and girlfriends. Winning just ain’t gonna happen, so it’s best to be able to live with it.

Cautiously pessimistic

I just needed to get this recorded while it's still a prediction and not a review -- I just discovered that Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo will all miss tonight's basketball game against the Raptors. On learning that, my first reaction was one of horror, because I am almost certain the Raptors will now lose what I was hoping would be a winnable game.

My logic -- I knew the Raptors had a stretch of five reasonably vulnerable opponents coming up, but I also knew that the Celtics game was a steel door slamming shut on that string. However, Pierce was forced to sit out a couple of weeks, and that's kind of optimal for opponents -- you don't want to face an experienced team when they have a special incentive, like, "Hey, let's all pull together and show what we can do when we're missing one of our big guns." That first game of a star's injury leave is usually a win, but it's two or three games after that, when flaws are exposed and other teams have a chance to adjust their game plans to take advantage of your lesser talents.

So, the last couple of days, it seemed like all systems were go for the Raptors. Pierce was probably out, and KG was banged up a bit -- best case scenario, he starts, but isn't able to play at his normal level, which is probably worse for the team than if he just sits out. However -- now that three starters are gonna be missing, and especially since it looks like it's only gonna be this game (no Oden/Pryzbilla horrific timetables), I can feel in my bones that all of the bench Celtics are gonna explode for one game. It won't be thing of beauty basketball, but somehow they'll get it done, because that's what they do, and the Raptors are not a team that are adept at exploiting weaknesses. In reality, this was a game I was expecting a loss for anyway, so I believe I'll be prepared to take it in stride -- but dammit, when I read game stories tomorrow and then read the comments, I'm gonna have to put up with a ridiculous amount of teeth-gnashing and vitriol.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.