Well, it's being posted on the 31st, but the majority of it was put together on the 29th. Just one of those things.
------------------------------------
1. Cleveland Cavaliers – So, it appears that all the Cavs needed to do was just kinda tidy up some spacing issues on the offensive end. The defence was there all along, and now that someone has informed the coaching staff that LeBron James plays for their team, everything should be copasetic from here on in. Man, that’s a lot of pre-written posts I’m gonna have to revisit for the next few months.
2. Boston Celtics – Well, I do think if you’re gonna get an injury, a late December Paul Pierce knee infection is about the best sacrifice the team can make to appease the basketball gods. May it be found worthy.
3. Los Angeles Lakers – There are like four or five teams in the league that the Lakers really need to bring full effort against if they wanna win. The rest, notwithstanding the inevitable mathematical necessities of a few losses here and there, are just statistical anomalies. I’m sure the Suns played a fine game, but really, again, I bet everybody tries harder in June. (Well, except for Kobe, but the rest of the guys, you know.)
4. Atlanta Hawks – For the last few years, at the beginning of every season, somebody would point to the personnel on the Hawks and predict great things, but the head-case-edness of it all negated any talent for me, and I always thought of them as an easy night on the schedule. Now, I don’t know what the hell changed, but they’re thisclose to scaring the bejeezus out of me.
5. Orlando Magic – What the hell are the Magic doing way down here? That either makes me happy for the calibre of the NBA or a wee bit cheesed at the writers who cover it.
6. Dallas Mavericks – What the hell are the Mavs doing way up here at this point in the season? That either makes me sad for the calibre of the NBA or a wee bit cheesed at the writers who cover it. … or maybe they’re good this year and I can’t quite fathom it. Ah well.
7. San Antonio Spurs – I like it when a team beats the teams it’s supposed to beat, and the Spurs are definitely doing that, same as always. Unfortunately, the number of teams in that category has shrunk recently. I mean, the category can only be defined as “every other team in the league” for so long, but I bet that’s slim consolation in the here and now.
8. Portland Trail Blazers – Of course, if there’s a team that has no interest in the consolation of anybody else…
9. Denver Nuggets – Bumps and bruises and general discomfort to some of the main characters here. Championship teams either stay healthy, or are the best water-treaders through adversity. If you asked the Magic 8-Ball what kind of team this is, I’m not sure where all the signs would point towards.
10. Phoenix Suns – The worst part about the nice surprise the Suns have been this season – with pretty much every other team in the league (you know, except the Nets), you can picture the cavalry arriving, and the team would be better in March than they are now. A rookie matures, a veteran heals, chemistry gels, a crazy trade fixes a glaring hole. I think this team is fantastic, but they’re as good now as they’re gonna get. Amare would be a great candidate for healing-slash-maturing-slash-exploding, but…
11. Houston Rockets – Like, these guys, the most overachieving bunch in the league, still have a $23 million bargaining chip to improve with -- one who could miraculously turn into an All-Star if you had a time machine handy. I don’t see them getting better this year, but they have that out-of-left-field hope in the back of their minds.
12. Miami Heat – The Miami Heat are the fifth best team in the Eastern Conference by a near-inexplicable margin, in both the good and bad direction. The Vegas odds on a first round playoff upset are going to be the stuff of legend this year.
13. Utah Jazz – There’s another trade or two in these guys. It won’t change much, but it’ll be blog fodder for a while.
14. Oklahoma City Thunder – If these guys catch the injury-riddled Blazers for the eighth seed, I predict a glut of articles about the passing of the team-of-the-future torch.
15. Memphis Grizzlies – You know, this is the overachieving team that nobody cares about. Seriously, googling “Memphis Grizzlies” yields fewer hits than everybody but the Blazers (I think Blazers vs. Trail Blazers skews the results there) and the T-Wolves (just bad, without being historically Nets-type bad), and that takes into account all the Iverson hoopla from the early season. The invisible team. (Oh, and on an unrelated note, the Thunder have twice as many pages as the Lakers and three times as many as anybody else. I’m sure weather reports have nothing to do with that.)
16. Toronto Raptors – I’d like to believe this little run is a sign of things to come, but I’d like to see them play some good teams before I relax. Of course, I still think that they’d win a seven game series over the lofty Heat right now, so maybe improvement isn’t quite the imperative that it should be.
17. Sacramento Kings – This was supposed to be a weak draft. Tell that to the team with three productive rookies in its rotation.
18. New Orleans Hornets – All world players who make their teammates better shouldn’t be playing on the 18th best team in the league. Chris Paul is phenomenal, but unfortunately, his teammates are less so.
19. Los Angeles Clippers – I would love for Blake Griffin to be the missing piece. I’d also love to see him tear a strip of Baron Davis when he breaks a play for the eighth time in a row. It wouldn’t be productive, but it would be awesome nonetheless.
20. Milwaukee Bucks – If I told you you could have a rookie point guard average 19 points, 6 assists, and 35 minutes a game, would you take it? Then why is everybody worried about Jennings being in a slump?
21. Charlotte Bobcats – I just can’t get interested in this team. I’d rather play golf, and I hate golf.
22. New York Knicks – Knicks seem to play better without Robinson – that was newsworthy. Knicks seem to play better without Curry – seriously? This is news? What was your sample size to draw from?
23. Detroit Pistons – The injured reserves are coming back, but no-one’s really breathing a sigh of relief. Probably not a good sign.
24. Chicago Bulls – I don’t believe in firing a coach because the fans are antsy, and neither do I believe in firing a coach based on one or two stink-fests. The NBA season is long, GMs should know what they’re in for. However – I am fairly comfortable with firing coaches because they are bad at the job. I believe I’ll just leave that hanging.
25. Washington Wizards – It’s an ugly thing, but in this year’s East, would anybody really be surprised if Washington landed themselves an 8th seed? The only way it would be worth it would be if the Cavs were the 1st seed.
26. Golden State Warriors – What would their record be if D’Antoni was the coach? They could still be the crazy gunner kinda team, but maybe with a purpose. Alas.
27. Philadelphia 76ers – Of all the teams down here – I think Philly has probably made more moves that other teams would have made than anybody else. Arenas’ massive contract? Giving Nellie carte blanche? Signing Gordon and Villanueva? All questioned as they happened. Signing Brand? Seemed like a good idea at the time.
28. Minnesota Timberwolves – They are a better team with Kevin Love back. Baby steps.
29. Indiana Pacers – They’d be a better team with Danny Granger back. Yeah, that’s a reach, but it’s the best I got right now.
30. New Jersey Nets – Yes, they’re pencilled in here for the foreseeable future.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
...and a lazy new year.
So, you know, I feel the obligation to post something on a semi-regular basis, but you know, it's Christmas, and I can't be bothered coming up with brand new thoughts. I'll just give you something I've done before, from around April of 2005. I mean, it's not like anybody's gonna protest. Muah-hah.
-----------------------------------------
1. If elected pope, what would your first official act be?
I would let anybody who wants to get married -- gay, straight, interfaith, tall, short, colour blind, left handed, whatever, and most importantly (if I was pope), let the clergy get hitched. To slightly paraphrase the immortal words of Alex P. Keaton, “If God had wanted me to be celibate, he wouldn’t have made me so damn cute.”
2. How many keys do you carry around on a daily basis, and how many of them are you not sure what they’re for?
There are five keys on my key ring, one of them opens up all the doors at a job I left a year ago, and one of them opens some door on my house but I’m not sure which one, I just know it’s not the front door.
3. How much would it cost for you to pose naked?
I know I’ve seen that question before, but there are a lot of different answers. For example, I pose naked for free all the time, it’s just that I’m by myself and in front of the bathroom mirror. At Mardi Gras, it would probably only take a really good strand of beads. At a small-venue rock concert, probably in the $500-$1000 range, assuming the offer was open to my gender. For a life drawing class, assuming it was taking place in a city where nobody knew me, let’s say a hundred bucks an hour, sounds like the going rate. After that, of course, as soon as somebody wants to record the pose on some sort of reproducible medium that I don’t have control of, the price goes up considerably. As far as I know, since I’ve been old enough to know what clothes were, there are no naked pictures of me. If I’m going to break that streak, I’d want to be sure I could live pretty comfortably for a long time on the proceeds.
4. Who are your ideal dinner party guests?
Good conversationalists with good senses of humour and don’t take themselves too seriously, but also let you get a word in edgewise -- Billy Connolly, Conan O’Brien, John Stewart, Dustin Hoffman, Tina Fey, that kinda thing.
5. Who’s on your ideal Truth or Dare roster?
Every girl I’ve ever had a crush on. Every last one.
6. Do you usually pick truth or dare?
I don’t like to lie, so I usually pick dare.
7. What was the last thing you lost?
I just realized a little while ago that I can’t find a Blues Traveller CD.
8. What was your last injury?
I don’t know if it’s my last injury, but it’s the one that called attention to itself most recently -- I got whacked on the thumb playing lacrosse last year, and some days it still hurts if I open a jar wrong.
9. What would be the first thing you bought if you won a ten million dollar lottery?
The part of my house that the bank owns.
10. What would be the first thing you bought if you won a ten dollar lottery?
Probably another ticket.
11. If there was a deli sandwich named after you, what would the ingredients be?
White bread, sharp cheese, lean turkey, full to bursting and held together with toothpicks, garnished with a cherry if you’re feeling saucy.
12. Who’s the least attractive person that you still think is hot?
I really don’t know. Bjork, maybe? There was a girl in one of my classes once who wasn’t particularly much to look at but she was pretty smart, and she really grew on me as the year went on.
13. What was the last thing you fixed?
Does changing a light bulb count? How about the battery in the smoke detector? Nothing jumps immediately to mind. Wow, that’s depressing.
14. How long do you expect to stay at your current job?
Probably too long, if history is any judge.
15. How many emails do you deal with on an average day?
Around forty or fifty, I’d say.
16. Given the choice between one or the other, do you prefer to cook dinner, or clean up after?
I’d most prefer to share both -- I tend to space out when I’m working independently -- but I’d probably take cooking. I’d hate to have to start working just as someone else got to start relaxing.
17. How many months of the year are you more likely to choose shorts instead of pants?
None. I got me some scrawny legs.
18. How many songs have you downloaded in the past year?
None. I’m future illiterate.
19. What’s the title of your autobiography?
Wellll…..
20. What was your all-time best Halloween costume?
I think Jughead -- it was easy, appropriate to personality, and recognizable.
-----------------------------------------
1. If elected pope, what would your first official act be?
I would let anybody who wants to get married -- gay, straight, interfaith, tall, short, colour blind, left handed, whatever, and most importantly (if I was pope), let the clergy get hitched. To slightly paraphrase the immortal words of Alex P. Keaton, “If God had wanted me to be celibate, he wouldn’t have made me so damn cute.”
2. How many keys do you carry around on a daily basis, and how many of them are you not sure what they’re for?
There are five keys on my key ring, one of them opens up all the doors at a job I left a year ago, and one of them opens some door on my house but I’m not sure which one, I just know it’s not the front door.
3. How much would it cost for you to pose naked?
I know I’ve seen that question before, but there are a lot of different answers. For example, I pose naked for free all the time, it’s just that I’m by myself and in front of the bathroom mirror. At Mardi Gras, it would probably only take a really good strand of beads. At a small-venue rock concert, probably in the $500-$1000 range, assuming the offer was open to my gender. For a life drawing class, assuming it was taking place in a city where nobody knew me, let’s say a hundred bucks an hour, sounds like the going rate. After that, of course, as soon as somebody wants to record the pose on some sort of reproducible medium that I don’t have control of, the price goes up considerably. As far as I know, since I’ve been old enough to know what clothes were, there are no naked pictures of me. If I’m going to break that streak, I’d want to be sure I could live pretty comfortably for a long time on the proceeds.
4. Who are your ideal dinner party guests?
Good conversationalists with good senses of humour and don’t take themselves too seriously, but also let you get a word in edgewise -- Billy Connolly, Conan O’Brien, John Stewart, Dustin Hoffman, Tina Fey, that kinda thing.
5. Who’s on your ideal Truth or Dare roster?
Every girl I’ve ever had a crush on. Every last one.
6. Do you usually pick truth or dare?
I don’t like to lie, so I usually pick dare.
7. What was the last thing you lost?
I just realized a little while ago that I can’t find a Blues Traveller CD.
8. What was your last injury?
I don’t know if it’s my last injury, but it’s the one that called attention to itself most recently -- I got whacked on the thumb playing lacrosse last year, and some days it still hurts if I open a jar wrong.
9. What would be the first thing you bought if you won a ten million dollar lottery?
The part of my house that the bank owns.
10. What would be the first thing you bought if you won a ten dollar lottery?
Probably another ticket.
11. If there was a deli sandwich named after you, what would the ingredients be?
White bread, sharp cheese, lean turkey, full to bursting and held together with toothpicks, garnished with a cherry if you’re feeling saucy.
12. Who’s the least attractive person that you still think is hot?
I really don’t know. Bjork, maybe? There was a girl in one of my classes once who wasn’t particularly much to look at but she was pretty smart, and she really grew on me as the year went on.
13. What was the last thing you fixed?
Does changing a light bulb count? How about the battery in the smoke detector? Nothing jumps immediately to mind. Wow, that’s depressing.
14. How long do you expect to stay at your current job?
Probably too long, if history is any judge.
15. How many emails do you deal with on an average day?
Around forty or fifty, I’d say.
16. Given the choice between one or the other, do you prefer to cook dinner, or clean up after?
I’d most prefer to share both -- I tend to space out when I’m working independently -- but I’d probably take cooking. I’d hate to have to start working just as someone else got to start relaxing.
17. How many months of the year are you more likely to choose shorts instead of pants?
None. I got me some scrawny legs.
18. How many songs have you downloaded in the past year?
None. I’m future illiterate.
19. What’s the title of your autobiography?
Wellll…..
20. What was your all-time best Halloween costume?
I think Jughead -- it was easy, appropriate to personality, and recognizable.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
NBA Power Rankings, December 18 2009
You know, I started these with the intention that they'd be weekly, but I randomly started on a Friday, and that doesnt make a whole lot of sense. I think I'm gonna switch the next one to a Tuesday or Wednesday. See how that goes.
Anyway --
1. Boston Celtics – Well, everything is just ticking along swimmingly, I suppose. All five starters are being touted for the All-Star game; at least, they are if you talk to all five starters. And yet, I can’t make myself care all that much, not until I know whether KG will still have knees in April. Kinda takes the fun out of winning streaks.
2. Los Angeles Lakers – Sheesh, when do they do those tests that show that Kobe is actually composed of a mimetic adhesive poly-alloy? He broke a finger on his shooting hand, and I swear he just willed some slightly less necessary part of his spleen to redistribute itself to where it was needed most. It’s just not fair.
3. Orlando Magic – And on the other hand, the same night that Kobe broke his finger and returned later that same game, Vince Carter left a game 2 ½ minutes into the second half with a sore right knee and did not return. Not to beat a dead horse, but man, he don’t always make himself look good, y’know?
4. Atlanta Hawks – Al Horford is six foot ten. In my next life, I wanna come back as an undersized NBA centre. Not Chuck Hayes, though, that guy’s way too short.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers – A team I just can’t get all that excited about. Yeah, they have the basketball neutron Bron when playoffs come, but really, the difference from last year is that they added Shaq, AP and Moon, two aging starters from non-playoff teams last year and a hyper-athletic guy who will frustrate you no matter which side you’re cheering for.
6. Denver Nuggets – Chauncey just tweaked a muscle in the man-region. Could be nothing, could linger for weeks. Ty Lawson, show us what you got.
7. Dallas Mavericks – Here’s something – I don’t expect injuries to the old guys on this team. Howard might pop something, but Nowitzki and Kidd, they’ll go all year. This might actually be what to expect from this team. Huh.
8. Utah Jazz – A hell week of Lakers X 2, Magic, and Spurs, and they go 3 and 1. That oughta go in the scrapbook. You’re allowed to have a T-Wolf letdown after that.
9. Phoenix Suns – Has anyone pointed out that Steve Nash is the anti-contract year player yet? No? Okay, let me do it. He’s better when he knows people want him around.
10. San Antonio Spurs – Tim Duncan is kind of godlike. Has anyone asked him to just, you know, lay his hands on Manu’s knees and ankles? Couldn’t hurt.
11. Houston Rockets – T-Mac is back in the line-up, and being used exactly as much as he should be. I honestly don’t see him being traded this year, I totally believe Morey just wants all that cap room to go after 7 underachievers. He certainly doesn’t want more years of salary cap straitjackets.
12. Oklahoma City Thunder – What are the odds these guys pull off a trade for Marc Gasol in 2012? Like, 70-30?
13. Portland Trail Blazers -- What are the odds these guys pull off a trade of Greg Oden in 2012? Like, 70-30?
14. Miami Heat – Wade doesn’t have as much to prove this year as last year. He’s more likely to attract a free-agent running mate if he plays the whole season at 90%, rather than go Supernova again and get injured. Save it for next year.
15. Detroit Pistons – These guys are like the Rockets lite, winning with the second half of their line-up, except that I don’t really wanna cheer for them. Can’t put my finger on it. I think it might be the difference in GMs, and my faith that the next move will be a good one or not.
16. Milwaukee Bucks – Welcome to the Eastern Conference, where being .500 (with a rookie point guard) makes you a team to watch. Just don’t tell anybody, or it’ll cost ya $7500.
17. New Orleans Hornets – I guarantee Chris Paul will not spend his entire career in New Orleans, although now that I think about it, I can’t guarantee he won’t spend his entire career with that franchise. Makes me sad.
18. Memphis Grizzlies – At the beginning of the season, I seriously expected the NBA leader in assists to outdo the entire Memphis squad. Steve Nash is at 11.3 per game. Memphis is at 18.9, ahead of seven other teams. Glad I kept my money in my wallet.
19. Sacramento Kings – Welcome to the Western Conference, where two games under .500 (with a rookie point guard) makes you a team to watch.
20. Toronto Raptors – Honestly – I came up with a name for this blog entirely independent of the fact that my home team often looks like they could use some Red Bull. Gah.
21. Charlotte Bobcats – Gerald Wallace is gonna average 10+ rebounds this season, just because all of a sudden he feels like he should. I don’t know if I should be impressed or wonder why he never did it before.
22. New York Knicks – Okay, so they probably won’t get any major free agents this summer. Plan B – they put the New York media to work, and flood the markets with stories about how all the biggies are gonna sign 2-year contracts, with the second year as the player’s option, because it might be a sound move for when the economy rebounds and the cap can go back up. Or something like that. Anything so the Knicks get a shot at bidding without the Eddy Curry factor weighing in.
23. Los Angeles Clippers – Recently, I inadvertently discovered that Mike Dunleavy is the winning-est coach in Clippers history. I actually heaved an audible sigh once I finished typing that sentence.
24. Indiana Pacers – I should make some crack about sighing when I realize something about Mike Dunleavy Jr., but honestly, I just don’t have the energy. That last one is still bugging me.
25. Washington Wizards – If you told me the Wizards’ Achilles heel was gonna be defence, or Gil’s knees, or injuries in general, or non-specific boneheadedness, yeah, I could’ve got behind that. But free throws? Did not see that coming.
26. Chicago Bulls – I actually saw it suggested that someday Beasley might be thought of as the star of his draft class, eclipsing Rose. It’d be a damn shame (well, you know, good for Beasley and all, but you know what I mean), but at least Rose’d have his modelling career to fall back on.
27. Golden State Warriors – I make this bold prediction: At some point this season, there will be an unremarkable looking game on the Warriors schedule that turns into some offensive explosion record-setting night. For either team. It’ll have something to do with a combo guard.
28. Philadelphia 76ers – Dude, Iverson has an arthritic knee now. And he’s gonna keep playing. Damn, who’d have thought I’d get nostalgic for Sprewell?
29. Minnesota Timberwolves – Keep playing hard, boys, I swear it’s appreciated.
30. New Jersey Nets – I got nothing. There aren’t enough ping-pong balls in the world to make this palatable.
Anyway --
1. Boston Celtics – Well, everything is just ticking along swimmingly, I suppose. All five starters are being touted for the All-Star game; at least, they are if you talk to all five starters. And yet, I can’t make myself care all that much, not until I know whether KG will still have knees in April. Kinda takes the fun out of winning streaks.
2. Los Angeles Lakers – Sheesh, when do they do those tests that show that Kobe is actually composed of a mimetic adhesive poly-alloy? He broke a finger on his shooting hand, and I swear he just willed some slightly less necessary part of his spleen to redistribute itself to where it was needed most. It’s just not fair.
3. Orlando Magic – And on the other hand, the same night that Kobe broke his finger and returned later that same game, Vince Carter left a game 2 ½ minutes into the second half with a sore right knee and did not return. Not to beat a dead horse, but man, he don’t always make himself look good, y’know?
4. Atlanta Hawks – Al Horford is six foot ten. In my next life, I wanna come back as an undersized NBA centre. Not Chuck Hayes, though, that guy’s way too short.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers – A team I just can’t get all that excited about. Yeah, they have the basketball neutron Bron when playoffs come, but really, the difference from last year is that they added Shaq, AP and Moon, two aging starters from non-playoff teams last year and a hyper-athletic guy who will frustrate you no matter which side you’re cheering for.
6. Denver Nuggets – Chauncey just tweaked a muscle in the man-region. Could be nothing, could linger for weeks. Ty Lawson, show us what you got.
7. Dallas Mavericks – Here’s something – I don’t expect injuries to the old guys on this team. Howard might pop something, but Nowitzki and Kidd, they’ll go all year. This might actually be what to expect from this team. Huh.
8. Utah Jazz – A hell week of Lakers X 2, Magic, and Spurs, and they go 3 and 1. That oughta go in the scrapbook. You’re allowed to have a T-Wolf letdown after that.
9. Phoenix Suns – Has anyone pointed out that Steve Nash is the anti-contract year player yet? No? Okay, let me do it. He’s better when he knows people want him around.
10. San Antonio Spurs – Tim Duncan is kind of godlike. Has anyone asked him to just, you know, lay his hands on Manu’s knees and ankles? Couldn’t hurt.
11. Houston Rockets – T-Mac is back in the line-up, and being used exactly as much as he should be. I honestly don’t see him being traded this year, I totally believe Morey just wants all that cap room to go after 7 underachievers. He certainly doesn’t want more years of salary cap straitjackets.
12. Oklahoma City Thunder – What are the odds these guys pull off a trade for Marc Gasol in 2012? Like, 70-30?
13. Portland Trail Blazers -- What are the odds these guys pull off a trade of Greg Oden in 2012? Like, 70-30?
14. Miami Heat – Wade doesn’t have as much to prove this year as last year. He’s more likely to attract a free-agent running mate if he plays the whole season at 90%, rather than go Supernova again and get injured. Save it for next year.
15. Detroit Pistons – These guys are like the Rockets lite, winning with the second half of their line-up, except that I don’t really wanna cheer for them. Can’t put my finger on it. I think it might be the difference in GMs, and my faith that the next move will be a good one or not.
16. Milwaukee Bucks – Welcome to the Eastern Conference, where being .500 (with a rookie point guard) makes you a team to watch. Just don’t tell anybody, or it’ll cost ya $7500.
17. New Orleans Hornets – I guarantee Chris Paul will not spend his entire career in New Orleans, although now that I think about it, I can’t guarantee he won’t spend his entire career with that franchise. Makes me sad.
18. Memphis Grizzlies – At the beginning of the season, I seriously expected the NBA leader in assists to outdo the entire Memphis squad. Steve Nash is at 11.3 per game. Memphis is at 18.9, ahead of seven other teams. Glad I kept my money in my wallet.
19. Sacramento Kings – Welcome to the Western Conference, where two games under .500 (with a rookie point guard) makes you a team to watch.
20. Toronto Raptors – Honestly – I came up with a name for this blog entirely independent of the fact that my home team often looks like they could use some Red Bull. Gah.
21. Charlotte Bobcats – Gerald Wallace is gonna average 10+ rebounds this season, just because all of a sudden he feels like he should. I don’t know if I should be impressed or wonder why he never did it before.
22. New York Knicks – Okay, so they probably won’t get any major free agents this summer. Plan B – they put the New York media to work, and flood the markets with stories about how all the biggies are gonna sign 2-year contracts, with the second year as the player’s option, because it might be a sound move for when the economy rebounds and the cap can go back up. Or something like that. Anything so the Knicks get a shot at bidding without the Eddy Curry factor weighing in.
23. Los Angeles Clippers – Recently, I inadvertently discovered that Mike Dunleavy is the winning-est coach in Clippers history. I actually heaved an audible sigh once I finished typing that sentence.
24. Indiana Pacers – I should make some crack about sighing when I realize something about Mike Dunleavy Jr., but honestly, I just don’t have the energy. That last one is still bugging me.
25. Washington Wizards – If you told me the Wizards’ Achilles heel was gonna be defence, or Gil’s knees, or injuries in general, or non-specific boneheadedness, yeah, I could’ve got behind that. But free throws? Did not see that coming.
26. Chicago Bulls – I actually saw it suggested that someday Beasley might be thought of as the star of his draft class, eclipsing Rose. It’d be a damn shame (well, you know, good for Beasley and all, but you know what I mean), but at least Rose’d have his modelling career to fall back on.
27. Golden State Warriors – I make this bold prediction: At some point this season, there will be an unremarkable looking game on the Warriors schedule that turns into some offensive explosion record-setting night. For either team. It’ll have something to do with a combo guard.
28. Philadelphia 76ers – Dude, Iverson has an arthritic knee now. And he’s gonna keep playing. Damn, who’d have thought I’d get nostalgic for Sprewell?
29. Minnesota Timberwolves – Keep playing hard, boys, I swear it’s appreciated.
30. New Jersey Nets – I got nothing. There aren’t enough ping-pong balls in the world to make this palatable.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Capitulation to Geekiness
I've had this long post bashing around in my head for a while now, but I've taken four or five runs at it and it's not working, so I'm gonna put some filler up here, just so there's a buffer between two consecutive power rankings.
So, a while ago, I don't remember how long, I got a five dollar bill in my change. I suppose that's not all that unusual, but some artistic soul had decided it needed improving upon:
Now, I don't remember where I first obtained this objet d'art, but I'm gonna have to assume it was somewhere in my neighbourhood, because the local video store just bestowed me with this:
So, a while ago, I don't remember how long, I got a five dollar bill in my change. I suppose that's not all that unusual, but some artistic soul had decided it needed improving upon:
Kind of silly, but I liked it. I don't know, the vertical lines along the brow line remind me of a Roman centurion-style helmet, with the full manly gladiator beard. I got a kick out of it, so I never spent it, it's just been kicking around my apartment for months.
Now, I don't remember where I first obtained this objet d'art, but I'm gonna have to assume it was somewhere in my neighbourhood, because the local video store just bestowed me with this:
I gotta tell you, I had no idea Sir Wilfred Laurier had such malleable features. This makes me happy on far too many levels, and I can only hope this mad scribbler continues getting inspired, because these two bills are now out of circulation.
Friday, December 11, 2009
NBA Power Rankings, December 11 2009
1. Los Angeles Lakers – So, the Lakers are healthy, right? Wait, what? You mean Luke Walton is injured? Well, all right! Other teams might have a chance now!
2. Orlando Magic – It’s quiet. Too quiet.
3. Boston Celtics – I think someone should start a petition requesting Kendrick Perkins grow an evil-Shatner goatee. I also nominate anybody but me to present it to him.
4. Denver Nuggets – I think a trade for Tyler Hansbrough has gotta be in the works. This team needs some non-tattooed skin.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers – Shaq, Shaq, Shaq. How much longer until you are no longer talented enough say whatever you want? The over/under is about 2.5 years. Would have been longer if you hadn’t stolen Nash’s reality TV idea.
6. Atlanta Hawks – Jamal Crawford is on the first playoff-bound team of his career. He’s rested.
7. Phoenix Suns – Steve Nash’s hair is a bit too short for my tastes right now. Otherwise, have at it, young man.
8. Dallas Mavericks – Who wins a seven game playoff starting tomorrow, Mavs or Spurs? It’s for the NBA’s official “One Last Try Before The Window Closes” Team, if that sweetens the pot any.
9. Utah Jazz – Did anybody go to prom with the Jazz? I saw them at the reunion a while ago, and they’ve aged pretty well. Not a knockout anymore, but you know, still pretty hot for their age.
10. Houston Rockets – Okay, take out the elite no-brainers (Kobe, LeBron, Paul, etc) – who could you trade for that you would trust to make this line-up better? If the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which part could you safely tinker with?
11. Oklahoma City Thunder – I completely believe this team is currently accurately rated, and yet, I don’t think they will be this high at the end of the year. I’d like to be proven wrong, though.
12. Portland Trail Blazers – Remember two years ago, when the Blazers were the team of the future, and then last year, it became the Thunder? I dig the current Blazer team okay, but I have bad premonitions for the future. The front office seems to be better with talent than with contracts, and that may bite’em.
13. Miami Heat – If I asked you, “Who is the least pimp player in the NBA?”, I would totally understand if you chose Chris Quinn. Of course, that’s only because I assume most of you haven’t seen this picture.
14. San Antonio Spurs – Matt Bonner? Round peg in a round hole. Richard Jefferson? Round peg in a round hole that might be just a skosh too big for him. Time will tell.
15. Sacramento Kings – They mostly just anger me right now, because everybody’s so happy that they’re exceeding expectations. This warm fuzziness will last until next year, when they improve on this year but not by enough to please everyone’s falsely inflated expectations. Gah.
16. New Orleans Hornets – Your record gets better when you’re forced to start relying on the rookies. I have slack-jawed awe for Chris Paul, but even when he’s back to full strength, I don’t see this lasting.
17. Milwaukee Bucks – Yeah, yeah, Jennings blah blah blah. Dig him and all, but check the record when Bogut is out of the line-up. Dude’s such a team player, he high fives himself.
18. Los Angeles Clippers – It’s the Clips. Insert standard Clippers comment here.
19. Charlotte Bobcats – This will be the best season of Larry Brown’s Bobcats tenure, no matter how long it lasts. They might make the playoffs. Dream big, guys.
20. Memphis Grizzlies – I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. How does a team trade for Zach Randolph and get better? Must be Conley’s good influence.
21. Detroit Pistons – I think this team, as currently constructed, is performing as well as you could reasonably expect. Dream big, guys.
22. Toronto Raptors – I want to simultaneously believe that this team will be in the top half of the league at the end of the season, while presently being vastly over-rated at the 22-spot.
23. Washington Wizards – There’s no there there.
24. Chicago Bulls – These guys. Can’t score. On. The Raptors. Twice.
25. New York Knicks – Nate, Iverson was 33 before they benched him, and he’s taller than you. Please give your head a shake.
26. Golden State Warriors – Tractors. Vinyl pants. Calculus. Appendicitis. It is not required to make sense when discussing Nellie-ball.
27. Indiana Pacers – Very few teams get better after trading Rasho Nesterovic. The Spurs might be an exception, but geez, the Spurs are always an exception.
28. Philadelphia 76ers – Somebody deserves better than this. Probably Iguodala.
29. Minnesota Timberwolves – I do believe this team will get better, but not quickly, and not strongly enough to guess how much better. That’s depressing.
30. New Jersey Nets – They used to be car-wreck bad, but once they won a couple, they can just go back to being the kind of bad that nobody cares about.
2. Orlando Magic – It’s quiet. Too quiet.
3. Boston Celtics – I think someone should start a petition requesting Kendrick Perkins grow an evil-Shatner goatee. I also nominate anybody but me to present it to him.
4. Denver Nuggets – I think a trade for Tyler Hansbrough has gotta be in the works. This team needs some non-tattooed skin.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers – Shaq, Shaq, Shaq. How much longer until you are no longer talented enough say whatever you want? The over/under is about 2.5 years. Would have been longer if you hadn’t stolen Nash’s reality TV idea.
6. Atlanta Hawks – Jamal Crawford is on the first playoff-bound team of his career. He’s rested.
7. Phoenix Suns – Steve Nash’s hair is a bit too short for my tastes right now. Otherwise, have at it, young man.
8. Dallas Mavericks – Who wins a seven game playoff starting tomorrow, Mavs or Spurs? It’s for the NBA’s official “One Last Try Before The Window Closes” Team, if that sweetens the pot any.
9. Utah Jazz – Did anybody go to prom with the Jazz? I saw them at the reunion a while ago, and they’ve aged pretty well. Not a knockout anymore, but you know, still pretty hot for their age.
10. Houston Rockets – Okay, take out the elite no-brainers (Kobe, LeBron, Paul, etc) – who could you trade for that you would trust to make this line-up better? If the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which part could you safely tinker with?
11. Oklahoma City Thunder – I completely believe this team is currently accurately rated, and yet, I don’t think they will be this high at the end of the year. I’d like to be proven wrong, though.
12. Portland Trail Blazers – Remember two years ago, when the Blazers were the team of the future, and then last year, it became the Thunder? I dig the current Blazer team okay, but I have bad premonitions for the future. The front office seems to be better with talent than with contracts, and that may bite’em.
13. Miami Heat – If I asked you, “Who is the least pimp player in the NBA?”, I would totally understand if you chose Chris Quinn. Of course, that’s only because I assume most of you haven’t seen this picture.
14. San Antonio Spurs – Matt Bonner? Round peg in a round hole. Richard Jefferson? Round peg in a round hole that might be just a skosh too big for him. Time will tell.
15. Sacramento Kings – They mostly just anger me right now, because everybody’s so happy that they’re exceeding expectations. This warm fuzziness will last until next year, when they improve on this year but not by enough to please everyone’s falsely inflated expectations. Gah.
16. New Orleans Hornets – Your record gets better when you’re forced to start relying on the rookies. I have slack-jawed awe for Chris Paul, but even when he’s back to full strength, I don’t see this lasting.
17. Milwaukee Bucks – Yeah, yeah, Jennings blah blah blah. Dig him and all, but check the record when Bogut is out of the line-up. Dude’s such a team player, he high fives himself.
18. Los Angeles Clippers – It’s the Clips. Insert standard Clippers comment here.
19. Charlotte Bobcats – This will be the best season of Larry Brown’s Bobcats tenure, no matter how long it lasts. They might make the playoffs. Dream big, guys.
20. Memphis Grizzlies – I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. How does a team trade for Zach Randolph and get better? Must be Conley’s good influence.
21. Detroit Pistons – I think this team, as currently constructed, is performing as well as you could reasonably expect. Dream big, guys.
22. Toronto Raptors – I want to simultaneously believe that this team will be in the top half of the league at the end of the season, while presently being vastly over-rated at the 22-spot.
23. Washington Wizards – There’s no there there.
24. Chicago Bulls – These guys. Can’t score. On. The Raptors. Twice.
25. New York Knicks – Nate, Iverson was 33 before they benched him, and he’s taller than you. Please give your head a shake.
26. Golden State Warriors – Tractors. Vinyl pants. Calculus. Appendicitis. It is not required to make sense when discussing Nellie-ball.
27. Indiana Pacers – Very few teams get better after trading Rasho Nesterovic. The Spurs might be an exception, but geez, the Spurs are always an exception.
28. Philadelphia 76ers – Somebody deserves better than this. Probably Iguodala.
29. Minnesota Timberwolves – I do believe this team will get better, but not quickly, and not strongly enough to guess how much better. That’s depressing.
30. New Jersey Nets – They used to be car-wreck bad, but once they won a couple, they can just go back to being the kind of bad that nobody cares about.
NBA Power Rankings Methodology
Well, I really just want to have a structure in place that obligates me to post at least once a week, and an NBA Power Rankings fits the bill nicely. The disclaimer is such, though: While I certainly make no claim to having a life, I still ain't watching every game for all 30 teams to try to figure this out. I've decided to go with a strict mathematical formula -- I type "Power Rankings" into Google, take the top six results, and average out each team's place. If there's a tie, the team with the highest individual rank on any one list gets the win.
Yeah, this is an actual Power Ranking like the horoscopes in the paper are an actual astrology reading. Doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Let's see how it goes.
Yeah, this is an actual Power Ranking like the horoscopes in the paper are an actual astrology reading. Doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. Let's see how it goes.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Milestone, sorta
Well, sweet gravy biscuits, the almighty search engine has finally found me. It's still a long shot that somebody will accidentally trip over this thing, but I guess just in case there's a rash of people Googling "Pops Mensah-Bonsu", "How to Look Good Naked" and "nostril-snorting angry", I should probably start adhering to a more rigourous posting schedule. I'll work on that.
By the way -- I just discovered that you need to use all three of the quoted search terms above in order to whittle your search down to my page and my page alone. If you omit the "nostril-snorting angry" bit, there are two other page options that pop up. Vast though the internet may be, I would not have expected that.
By the way -- I just discovered that you need to use all three of the quoted search terms above in order to whittle your search down to my page and my page alone. If you omit the "nostril-snorting angry" bit, there are two other page options that pop up. Vast though the internet may be, I would not have expected that.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Apocalypse Soon
What the heck, here's another screed from the past, somewhere around June of 2008. A buddy of mine emailed out a link, to which another buddy replied, "I LOVE THAT GUY'S SHIRT!" This is what I came up with.
Okay -- I'd already looked at this video, had my little chuckle, and moved on with my life. Then, love is professed for the guy's shirt. Any of you who know me know that fashion and it's applications are not the first things I notice, so I had no idea what this guy's shirt looked like. Curiosity got the better of me, and I had to know what incited the gushing and the caps-lock. I took another look at the video, and yes, I agree, that is a most fetching outfit that dude has on, especially if this is 1982.
However -- as I mentioned above, fashion is not usually enough to hold my focus, and as I'd already seen this particular video, my gnat-like attention span kicked in and my eyes started to wander. So, this guy has apparently done other humorous videos that were housed on the same site. You don't say? I clicked on a couple of them, and one of them was a vignette entitled, 'How To Break Up With A Chubby Girlfriend,' and it basically was three minutes of all the worst things you could do in that situation, but funny. (Well, funny-ish.) It was on this innocuous page, however, that I learned two things -- one, that the apocalypse is imminent, and two, however it happens, we have no need to fear that it will be because the computers rise up and take over (a la The Matrix or The Terminator).
There were Google ads on the page, and I am now confident that computers will never take over the world for this reason -- they have no sense of humour and they take everything too literally. The name of the page included the words 'Break-Up' and 'Chubby,' so the Google ads featured sites aimed at people who were breaking up with chubby people, not understanding that the people who land on a humour site are rarely actually looking for advice. However -- while we are safe from the wrath of ones and zeroes, the end is nigh, because there were not one, but two ads promising that you could, 'Get Your Ex Back In As Little As 2 Days.' (There was also an ad for those who wished to 'Find Local Gay Chubby Men Near You,' and I must admit I could not click on the link, and the main reason was that I did not want the URL http://www.gaychubbydating.com/ to show up in my browsing history. I live alone, no-one would care, I could just clear the history right away, for crying out loud, but no, I dared not click. I don't know what it says about me that the fact that they were chubby and gay was much more daunting than if they were just one or the other.)
I clicked on these two Get Your Ex Back links, and the first one left me awed. Definitely aimed at men only, and written as if women and relationships were roughly as complicated as VCR repair. For the low low price of $47, you can learn:
I admit, I have come to rely on the internet for far too much of my everyday life (entertainment, knowledge, communication, what-have-you), but this seems to be asking a bit much.
However -- as I mentioned above, fashion is not usually enough to hold my focus, and as I'd already seen this particular video, my gnat-like attention span kicked in and my eyes started to wander. So, this guy has apparently done other humorous videos that were housed on the same site. You don't say? I clicked on a couple of them, and one of them was a vignette entitled, 'How To Break Up With A Chubby Girlfriend,' and it basically was three minutes of all the worst things you could do in that situation, but funny. (Well, funny-ish.) It was on this innocuous page, however, that I learned two things -- one, that the apocalypse is imminent, and two, however it happens, we have no need to fear that it will be because the computers rise up and take over (a la The Matrix or The Terminator).
There were Google ads on the page, and I am now confident that computers will never take over the world for this reason -- they have no sense of humour and they take everything too literally. The name of the page included the words 'Break-Up' and 'Chubby,' so the Google ads featured sites aimed at people who were breaking up with chubby people, not understanding that the people who land on a humour site are rarely actually looking for advice. However -- while we are safe from the wrath of ones and zeroes, the end is nigh, because there were not one, but two ads promising that you could, 'Get Your Ex Back In As Little As 2 Days.' (There was also an ad for those who wished to 'Find Local Gay Chubby Men Near You,' and I must admit I could not click on the link, and the main reason was that I did not want the URL http://www.gaychubbydating.com/ to show up in my browsing history. I live alone, no-one would care, I could just clear the history right away, for crying out loud, but no, I dared not click. I don't know what it says about me that the fact that they were chubby and gay was much more daunting than if they were just one or the other.)
I clicked on these two Get Your Ex Back links, and the first one left me awed. Definitely aimed at men only, and written as if women and relationships were roughly as complicated as VCR repair. For the low low price of $47, you can learn:
- The quick 2-step formula to stop all arguments and show your ex that you have a happy future together. (Page 92)
- How to make her laugh with you, and have her appreciate you again. Here's why it works... give your ex the proper kind of teasing and make her laugh, and she'll be psychologically unable to dislike you anymore. (Page 72), and my personal favourite.
- The 5-step Seduction System that takes you from having an 'innocent' cup of coffee with your ex-girlfriend... to having her moan 'I want you inside me now' as she drags you to bed... in just one evening! (Page 88)
I admit, I have come to rely on the internet for far too much of my everyday life (entertainment, knowledge, communication, what-have-you), but this seems to be asking a bit much.
Friday, November 27, 2009
De facto Manifesto
I play a sport. I'm not very good, mind you -- I'm only allowed on the floor because my cheques don't bounce -- but there are whistles and referees and scoreboards, and you could even find seven or eight seasons worth of stats on the internet if you should be so inclined. The entire league is basically an excuse to go for drinks after the game, and yet, since somebody's keeping score, it's bound to get competitive at some point. I don't think there's a person in the league who hasn't yelled at the ref, who hasn't had a bad game and then felt the dread of a long week before a chance for redemption, or who hasn't gone into work the next day hoping to get asked what you did last night, because dammit, you were a star and you gotta tell somebody.
Of course, even though every single player gets the juices flowing and everybody prefers winning to losing, I'm pretty confident that not one person would suggest that every single player is trying equally as hard as everybody else. That's just lunacy. You've got your ridiculously skilled guys who kinda float until the play comes to them. You've got your guys who miraculously find a fifth gear when they get the ball, when they couldn't find third when there was defence to be played. You've got guys in their 40s and beyond who see better uses for their energy than chasing down a kid with a 20 year head start. And, of course, you've got the guys who appear to share DNA with Jack Russell terriers -- "Is that a ball? Is that a ball? Go get it! Go get the ball! Good boy! Geez, aren't you tired yet?"
Now, I'm a big fan of effort. I have hands of stone, so the only way I can really feel like a contributing team-mate is to bring the legs of fury, every time. My favourite game ever happened a few months ago, when the top six or seven guys on my team couldn't make it, leaving us short staffed and under-talented to boot. Predictably, we got cranked, but everybody on my team brought the effort, played the full game as close to their potential as you could hope for. It was beautiful. We went home happy. I would play that game a million times. We still lost.
I swear, NBA fans -- or at least the Toronto Raptors fans that I am most familiar with -- have this same relationship with their teams. As long as a team scraps and claws, as long as you're willing to give it your all in a losing effort, we'll be content with that. Pops Mensah-Bonsu is well on his way to the fan favourite status once enjoyed by Jerome (Junk Yard Dog) Williams -- although Amir Johnson might be a better fit for the role, since he, you know, occasionally sees court time. Heck, somebody ask Vince Carter if Toronto fans are willing to let a little coasting slide. And I get it, I do. I would much rather cheer for Paul Millsap than for Carlos Boozer, or for David Lee rather than Eddy Curry, or for anybody in the free world rather than Ricky Davis. But really, as much as I love effort, it is but one skill taken from a whole host of others that make up your successful basketball player. Two offensive rebounds in five minutes of work is excellent, but when accompanied by two fouls and a turnover, it is less helpful than it could be. If your game is based more on basketball IQ than athleticism -- like, say, the majority of the Raptors roster -- then perhaps, instead of crashing the boards just to show willing, I'd prefer you save your energy for the things you are good at, like scoring the ball at an unholy clip.
In a perfect world, I'd have everything. I'd have Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett and their inhuman talent and supernatural drive, and I'd be cheering for a team that would almost never lose a game, and would never ever lose a game because they weren't trying hard enough. In this world, though, I take what I can get. And, when given the choice between marginal-talent-exemplary-effort and superior-talent-acceptable-effort, well -- I admit, the hustle makes me happy, but I'm willing to trade a little of that for the wins.
Of course, even though every single player gets the juices flowing and everybody prefers winning to losing, I'm pretty confident that not one person would suggest that every single player is trying equally as hard as everybody else. That's just lunacy. You've got your ridiculously skilled guys who kinda float until the play comes to them. You've got your guys who miraculously find a fifth gear when they get the ball, when they couldn't find third when there was defence to be played. You've got guys in their 40s and beyond who see better uses for their energy than chasing down a kid with a 20 year head start. And, of course, you've got the guys who appear to share DNA with Jack Russell terriers -- "Is that a ball? Is that a ball? Go get it! Go get the ball! Good boy! Geez, aren't you tired yet?"
I swear, NBA fans -- or at least the Toronto Raptors fans that I am most familiar with -- have this same relationship with their teams. As long as a team scraps and claws, as long as you're willing to give it your all in a losing effort, we'll be content with that. Pops Mensah-Bonsu is well on his way to the fan favourite status once enjoyed by Jerome (Junk Yard Dog) Williams -- although Amir Johnson might be a better fit for the role, since he, you know, occasionally sees court time. Heck, somebody ask Vince Carter if Toronto fans are willing to let a little coasting slide. And I get it, I do. I would much rather cheer for Paul Millsap than for Carlos Boozer, or for David Lee rather than Eddy Curry, or for anybody in the free world rather than Ricky Davis. But really, as much as I love effort, it is but one skill taken from a whole host of others that make up your successful basketball player. Two offensive rebounds in five minutes of work is excellent, but when accompanied by two fouls and a turnover, it is less helpful than it could be. If your game is based more on basketball IQ than athleticism -- like, say, the majority of the Raptors roster -- then perhaps, instead of crashing the boards just to show willing, I'd prefer you save your energy for the things you are good at, like scoring the ball at an unholy clip.
Friday, November 20, 2009
NBA Geography, 101
I can't, in good conscience, actually label this as a "post" -- but, for the love of God and all that is holy, I need to record for posterity the sheer awesomeness of this quote.
You can see the birth of genius here, at about the 1:10 mark. Especially notable is the pure geeky glee Battier derives from cracking his own self up. Makes my heart smile.
"Three-fourths of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Chuck Hayes."
-- Shane Battier, to the Houston Chronicle, on the faith the Rockets have in Hayes' defense.
You can see the birth of genius here, at about the 1:10 mark. Especially notable is the pure geeky glee Battier derives from cracking his own self up. Makes my heart smile.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Old enough for the D-League
I saw this article on TrueHoop a little while ago – a guy name Latavious Williams made history by being the first high school player to skip college in favour of going straight to the D-League. It’s a pretty good article, and it makes a pretty solid argument that this development – high school kids being eligible for the D-League draft – is in the best interests of the NBA, the NBA D-League, college basketball and the players themselves.
I got no problem with all of that, but I have to admit that it seems a touch hypocritical of the NBA. They are the de facto employer of both NBA players and NBA D-League players, but they have decided on different employment rules for those players. If you want to play in the NBA, you are not allowed to enter the draft until one year after your high school class graduates. So far, what that means is any 18-year-old who thinks he can play in the NBA straight out of high school still has to figure out a way to spend that spare year, usually by being Big Man on Campus. (One kid decided to spend that year in Europe, mainly because he didn't meet academic eligibility requirements, and the early returns on that seem to be pretty positive.) Again, I’m a supporter of higher education, and I could probably be convinced that it’s generally bad for a player’s social development, if not his basketball development, to try to go straight to the big leagues out of high school. However, just to play devil’s advocate – an 18-year-old could apply to work in the NBA front office. An 18-year-old could play in the D-League, to compete against grown men. It just looks bad that the NBA is deciding that every single 18-year-old in the country is eligible for all the responsibilities of NBA adulthood, without being eligible for the top-end paycheck that a 19-year-old can earn.
This has been hashed and re-hashed already – I just had a thought that I haven’t seen out in the world, so I figured I’d try it out. It’s still kinda rough, so here are the highlights:
I think that last bit is kind of instructive. So far, every article that I’ve come across that deals with the age-restriction rule just assumes that it’s a cynical way for the NBA to assure that high school students play some sort of college ball. However – if you’re David Stern the businessman, and it’s 2005 and you have an eye on the future – wouldn’t you rather envision a day when you have both the best professional men’s basketball league on the planet and the best place for players to develop their skills before they enter that best league? Sure, the NBA has no issue with colleges supplying them players for now – but imagine, 20 years from now, an Iverson-like talent can’t meet the academic standards for U.S. colleges. If the D-League has progressed into a “true minor league farm system”, there’s probably no question of him playing in Europe. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if by that point, the rules have changed again so that when the Clippers win the lottery, they’re allowed to draft a high school kid, as long as they stash him in the D-League for at least a portion of his first season, and then they can call him up when he’s proven himself ready. The D-League gets a transcendent talent, which can only help at the box office. Granted, that’s probably not enough to make viewers abandon their college affiliation in favour of watching the D-League – but what if by that time, the D-League had also fiddled with its playoff format in order to institute a one-and-done bracket? That would have to be at least as exciting to the casual viewer (cough, gambler) as ye olde March Madness. I imagine any businessman would enjoy having a slice of that pie. Or the whole pie, if he could.
Yeah, it’s a conspiracy theory and a long shot – but I’m just sayin’, is all.
I got no problem with all of that, but I have to admit that it seems a touch hypocritical of the NBA. They are the de facto employer of both NBA players and NBA D-League players, but they have decided on different employment rules for those players. If you want to play in the NBA, you are not allowed to enter the draft until one year after your high school class graduates. So far, what that means is any 18-year-old who thinks he can play in the NBA straight out of high school still has to figure out a way to spend that spare year, usually by being Big Man on Campus. (One kid decided to spend that year in Europe, mainly because he didn't meet academic eligibility requirements, and the early returns on that seem to be pretty positive.) Again, I’m a supporter of higher education, and I could probably be convinced that it’s generally bad for a player’s social development, if not his basketball development, to try to go straight to the big leagues out of high school. However, just to play devil’s advocate – an 18-year-old could apply to work in the NBA front office. An 18-year-old could play in the D-League, to compete against grown men. It just looks bad that the NBA is deciding that every single 18-year-old in the country is eligible for all the responsibilities of NBA adulthood, without being eligible for the top-end paycheck that a 19-year-old can earn.
This has been hashed and re-hashed already – I just had a thought that I haven’t seen out in the world, so I figured I’d try it out. It’s still kinda rough, so here are the highlights:
- We can all pretty much agree that David Stern is a business genius.
- The no-18-year-olds rule came into effect in the NBA in June 2005.
- In exactly the same Collective Bargaining agreement, the minimum age for the D-League was lowered from 20 to 18.
- If you trust Wikipedia, it was in March of 2005 that Stern announced a plan to expand the NBA D-League to fifteen teams and develop it into a true minor league farm system, with each NBA D-League team affiliated with one or more NBA teams.
- In the 2005 ESPN article where I’m getting pretty much all the rest of my info, Mr. Stern was quoted as saying, "This will encourage our scouts to spend time in D-league gyms rather than high school gyms."
I think that last bit is kind of instructive. So far, every article that I’ve come across that deals with the age-restriction rule just assumes that it’s a cynical way for the NBA to assure that high school students play some sort of college ball. However – if you’re David Stern the businessman, and it’s 2005 and you have an eye on the future – wouldn’t you rather envision a day when you have both the best professional men’s basketball league on the planet and the best place for players to develop their skills before they enter that best league? Sure, the NBA has no issue with colleges supplying them players for now – but imagine, 20 years from now, an Iverson-like talent can’t meet the academic standards for U.S. colleges. If the D-League has progressed into a “true minor league farm system”, there’s probably no question of him playing in Europe. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if by that point, the rules have changed again so that when the Clippers win the lottery, they’re allowed to draft a high school kid, as long as they stash him in the D-League for at least a portion of his first season, and then they can call him up when he’s proven himself ready. The D-League gets a transcendent talent, which can only help at the box office. Granted, that’s probably not enough to make viewers abandon their college affiliation in favour of watching the D-League – but what if by that time, the D-League had also fiddled with its playoff format in order to institute a one-and-done bracket? That would have to be at least as exciting to the casual viewer (cough, gambler) as ye olde March Madness. I imagine any businessman would enjoy having a slice of that pie. Or the whole pie, if he could.
Yeah, it’s a conspiracy theory and a long shot – but I’m just sayin’, is all.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Public Service Announcement
So, recently a strange confluence of events led to me catching up with an old acquaintance of mine, late night TV. (Of course, by 'acquaintance', I more likely mean 'near-all-consuming-passion-of-yore', but we'll let that slide.) I've known enough artsy-type folks in my day that occasionally, I'll see some commercial and realize, "Hey, I used to work with her," or, "Isn't that the guy who drywalled my basement?" Once, I actually saw a guy I went to high school with win a chugging contest on some sort of low budget CityTV Beer-lympics, which was a bizarre blast from the past. However, it appears I'm making a demographic switch, as this time my little jolt of familiarity happened as I swung by some Kwality Reality Programming.
Now, it was a show on the W network, and I only caught the last few seconds, and I didn't know the person in question all that well, so I wasn't really sure if it was who I thought it was. It was kind of intriguing, though, so a little bit of internet research was called for, at which point I could confirm that yes, I have met someone (and I'm not naming names, but someone I know might have dated her) who is featured on this season of Stuck on the women's network.
However -- all that is kinda irrelevant, it's just the roundabout way of telling you that when you Google stuck womens network, the second link that pops up starts off with the words "How to Look Good Naked." I don't know about you, but I usually click on links like that, and in this case it led me to info about a show where:
Not only that, the pooh-bahs who make this fine telly-vision show are looking for participants! "Well, ho-lee smokes," I thinks to meself, "They're looking for women. I know some women. That's like synergy! I need to tell people about this!"
So, uh, yeah. If anybody here has a latent desire to use the power of semi-scripted television to work out some self-esteem issues, I fully support you in that endeavour. Obviously, the chance to see my friends in their pixelated birthday suits is completely beside the point.
W Network, How To Look Good Naked
Application
Now, it was a show on the W network, and I only caught the last few seconds, and I didn't know the person in question all that well, so I wasn't really sure if it was who I thought it was. It was kind of intriguing, though, so a little bit of internet research was called for, at which point I could confirm that yes, I have met someone (and I'm not naming names, but someone I know might have dated her) who is featured on this season of Stuck on the women's network.
However -- all that is kinda irrelevant, it's just the roundabout way of telling you that when you Google stuck womens network, the second link that pops up starts off with the words "How to Look Good Naked." I don't know about you, but I usually click on links like that, and in this case it led me to info about a show where:
In each episode our host will teach women how to embrace their curves, love their lives and learn how to best show off the figures they have. We will guide them through their negative body issues and help them demystify their ideas of perfection. Each week through styling, beauty tips, and direction from our style experts, we will lead a woman on an extraordinary journey to loving herself again.
Not only that, the pooh-bahs who make this fine telly-vision show are looking for participants! "Well, ho-lee smokes," I thinks to meself, "They're looking for women. I know some women. That's like synergy! I need to tell people about this!"
So, uh, yeah. If anybody here has a latent desire to use the power of semi-scripted television to work out some self-esteem issues, I fully support you in that endeavour. Obviously, the chance to see my friends in their pixelated birthday suits is completely beside the point.
W Network, How To Look Good Naked
Application
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Jerkitude
Well, I understand from the current literature on the subject that blogs are supposed to be a fairly of-the-moment sort of endeavour, that is, I should kinda be trying to record what's on my mind as of now. However, whilst I'm fairly new to this blogging thang, I do have a few old screeds kicking around on my computer, and rather than let them fade into obscurity, I figger I'll pop a few of 'em on here, as the mood strikes me.
This one stems from March of 2009, I think, should posterity be one of those things you're concerned with.
So, I played lacrosse last night, and the game has been rolling around in my head ever since. Through no fault of my own, I play on a team that can be pretty good if everything clicks, and this was one of those games. Nobody felt like they had to score a million goals all by themselves, everybody was passing the ball to the open man, and our goalie was fixing any mistakes we did make. On top of that, the goalie on the other team wasn't having a great game, so we were out to a 5-nuthin' lead pretty quick.
Then, early in the second period, when the score was probably 6-1 or so, a guy on my team had the ball in our own end, and one of their players was chasing him a bit. I was in the area, so I decided to help my guy out a bit by setting a pick. Now, if you're not the sporty type and you're not sure what a pick is, don't worry, that puts you in the same category as at least half my team. Basically, all it is, is when I stand still, and the guy on my team runs by me as close as he can, so the guy chasing him either runs into me or loses time by trying to go around me. Of course, the pick I set here was more of a token than anything, my teammate was pretty much getting free anyway. Also, it wasn't like this pick was going to clear my guy for a scoring chance or anything, it was just to try to gain a second or two. To further lessen the effectiveness, my teammate didn't have a chance to run right beside me, and the guy on the other team saw me standing there about four feet before he got to me, so the element of surprise was pretty much nil. Since all of these factors had combined to make this one of the lamest picks ever, the obvious play in my mind was for the other guy to run around me, which would have taken a fraction of a second longer than if I hadn't been there at all, and then he would still been part of his team's defense. However, this guy takes the other accepted approach of what to do when faced with a pick, and that is to run right through it. It wasn't like he lowered his shoulder and drilled me or anything, but his decision was to run into me.
Now, again, I get that this is what you're taught to do when you're a kid learning the game, but we're in a non-contact league, and it actually took him out of the play to do it. On top of that, if he was trying to teach me a lesson about not setting any more picks, well, geez, don't be such a pansy about it, actually hit me, don't just bump me. Really, I think he was just ticked that his team was losing, and didn't feel like playing nice anymore. God knows, I've been there myself, so I understand the impulse -- but my team was winning at the time, so I was in a totally different mental state. If somebody on the other team wants to be angry, well, I'm gonna do my best to help him out. I kinda chuckled, and turned around and started running to catch up to the play. Here, strangely, is where I turned into the most hated guy on my team.
The guy who'd bumped me asks, "What are you laughing at?" I don't really know what to say -- I've been known to be reasonably funny on the page, but when I'm on the spot to say something witty, I tend to be less so. I think I wanted to say something like, If you wanted to hurt somebody you have to hit a bit harder than that, Nancy -- but what came out was, "Intent to injure...," in as sardonic a tone as I could muster while running. Very lame, but he didn't seem to pick up on that, I believe he may have had his own agenda. He says something about how that's lacrosse, buddy, it's part of the game, and then the play evolves a bit and we don't have time to continue our repartée. Not much later in the same shift, however, I end up guarding him again, he's got the ball in the corner. This is where I have a chance to take the high road -- but instead, I put my stick as close to his face as I can, and say a couple of times, "Come on, you better beat me, you're better than me! You're better than me!" You'd think denigrating your own abilities wouldn't annoy the opposition, but no, I have found it to be highly effective. He ignored me as best he could and made a pass that a teammate of his dropped. This pretty much marked the end of my shift, and I headed for the bench. He stayed on the floor, and it's possible he was a little tired, because it wasn't much longer after that that my team scored again.
Again, I'm on the bench and totally removed from the play, so I had the chance to take the high road and keep quiet, or even just to loudly congratulate my teammate, which would have been insulting but not necessarily confrontational. However, as you may have guessed, I'm a bit of a jerk. I try to keep it under wraps, but when push comes to shove, what comes out of my mouth is, "I bet that pisses you off, huh." Those seemed to be the magic words, and he started yelling at me, "Look buddy, there's no need for you to chirp, you're winning and you have no skill, so shut the hell up!" I wasn't all that upset about the crack about my skill level -- really, he'd been batting a thousand on how do things wrong thus far this shift, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then -- so I just kind of smiled and saluted, aye aye cap'n, I'll follow orders, at which point the referees told us both to knock it off.
I generally do what the authority figure tells me to, so I shut up, and I didn't say anything to the other team the rest of the game. I yelled encouragement at my own teammates a lot, but that's no different than any other game I play. I actually played pretty passive, I didn't feel like stirring anything up. I had the ball a few times, and it definitely felt like people were whacking me a little harder than was absolutely necessary, but again, if it doesn't really hurt, no big deal. On one particularly crap shift, I managed to pass the ball directly to the guy I'd been jawing at, and he got a pretty good scoring chance out of it. The guy who was guarding me, sensing a prime heckling opportunity, told me it was a nice pass. Short, simple, should have been effective -- but really, if I know somebody's trying to piss me off, why give him the satisfaction? I replied with, "Yeah, those are my specialty," (which, unfortunately, they are, I wasn't kidding about the lack of skill thing), and just kept on running.
Then, with just over three minutes left in the game, when we're winning about 11-4, a loose ball rolls my way, and I have to run towards the boards to get it. The guy on the other team who's chasing me (a guy who has cut the sleeves off of his jersey, either to lessen wind resistance or to make it easier for people to admire his triceps, I'm not sure) has apparently also taken offense to my transgressions from half an hour ago, and decides to teach me a lesson, whacking hell out of me and saying, "Laughin', huh?" as I'm turned around running for the ball. He does actually hit my stick harder than he hits me, but even when he knocks my stick out of my hand, he doesn't seem to actually want the ball, just to hit me. Again -- if that's your goal, then geez, hit hard enough to hurt, for cryin' out loud. He seemed genuinely nostril-snorting angry, but all he did was get called for it, and then after the whistle he just stared me down until the ref told him to go to the penalty box. I didn't say a word, I wasn't angry or banged up, I was mostly just kinda bemused that I'd inspired this level of animosity in an only-sorta-competitive league. I mean, I suck. If you want to get angry at somebody on my team, get angry at the guys who scored all those goals.
So the game ends, and the post-game handshake goes without incident, and I go home and the whole thing rolls around in my head on crazy loop, like it always does when you think of all those things you should have said. Like, when it's pointed out that I have no skill, I could helpfully suggest that pissing people off and drawing penalties seems to be a pretty valid skill. Like, when somebody asks you, "What are you laughing at?" the best answer is probably, "Scoreboard." I've had some great conversations in my head, saving all the best lines for myself, all designed to inflict maximum jerkitude. What I keep coming back to is this -- those guys play on a bad team, they've been looking to get angry for a while now, and I was just the guy who happened to be in the right place at the right time. I'm usually not so into the trash talk -- but if you're gonna start something, I'm totally allowed to finish it, and I'm okay with that.
But you know what really pisses me off?
I'm starting to feel guilty about the whole thing.
Geez.
This one stems from March of 2009, I think, should posterity be one of those things you're concerned with.
So, I played lacrosse last night, and the game has been rolling around in my head ever since. Through no fault of my own, I play on a team that can be pretty good if everything clicks, and this was one of those games. Nobody felt like they had to score a million goals all by themselves, everybody was passing the ball to the open man, and our goalie was fixing any mistakes we did make. On top of that, the goalie on the other team wasn't having a great game, so we were out to a 5-nuthin' lead pretty quick.
Then, early in the second period, when the score was probably 6-1 or so, a guy on my team had the ball in our own end, and one of their players was chasing him a bit. I was in the area, so I decided to help my guy out a bit by setting a pick. Now, if you're not the sporty type and you're not sure what a pick is, don't worry, that puts you in the same category as at least half my team. Basically, all it is, is when I stand still, and the guy on my team runs by me as close as he can, so the guy chasing him either runs into me or loses time by trying to go around me. Of course, the pick I set here was more of a token than anything, my teammate was pretty much getting free anyway. Also, it wasn't like this pick was going to clear my guy for a scoring chance or anything, it was just to try to gain a second or two. To further lessen the effectiveness, my teammate didn't have a chance to run right beside me, and the guy on the other team saw me standing there about four feet before he got to me, so the element of surprise was pretty much nil. Since all of these factors had combined to make this one of the lamest picks ever, the obvious play in my mind was for the other guy to run around me, which would have taken a fraction of a second longer than if I hadn't been there at all, and then he would still been part of his team's defense. However, this guy takes the other accepted approach of what to do when faced with a pick, and that is to run right through it. It wasn't like he lowered his shoulder and drilled me or anything, but his decision was to run into me.
Now, again, I get that this is what you're taught to do when you're a kid learning the game, but we're in a non-contact league, and it actually took him out of the play to do it. On top of that, if he was trying to teach me a lesson about not setting any more picks, well, geez, don't be such a pansy about it, actually hit me, don't just bump me. Really, I think he was just ticked that his team was losing, and didn't feel like playing nice anymore. God knows, I've been there myself, so I understand the impulse -- but my team was winning at the time, so I was in a totally different mental state. If somebody on the other team wants to be angry, well, I'm gonna do my best to help him out. I kinda chuckled, and turned around and started running to catch up to the play. Here, strangely, is where I turned into the most hated guy on my team.
The guy who'd bumped me asks, "What are you laughing at?" I don't really know what to say -- I've been known to be reasonably funny on the page, but when I'm on the spot to say something witty, I tend to be less so. I think I wanted to say something like, If you wanted to hurt somebody you have to hit a bit harder than that, Nancy -- but what came out was, "Intent to injure...," in as sardonic a tone as I could muster while running. Very lame, but he didn't seem to pick up on that, I believe he may have had his own agenda. He says something about how that's lacrosse, buddy, it's part of the game, and then the play evolves a bit and we don't have time to continue our repartée. Not much later in the same shift, however, I end up guarding him again, he's got the ball in the corner. This is where I have a chance to take the high road -- but instead, I put my stick as close to his face as I can, and say a couple of times, "Come on, you better beat me, you're better than me! You're better than me!" You'd think denigrating your own abilities wouldn't annoy the opposition, but no, I have found it to be highly effective. He ignored me as best he could and made a pass that a teammate of his dropped. This pretty much marked the end of my shift, and I headed for the bench. He stayed on the floor, and it's possible he was a little tired, because it wasn't much longer after that that my team scored again.
Again, I'm on the bench and totally removed from the play, so I had the chance to take the high road and keep quiet, or even just to loudly congratulate my teammate, which would have been insulting but not necessarily confrontational. However, as you may have guessed, I'm a bit of a jerk. I try to keep it under wraps, but when push comes to shove, what comes out of my mouth is, "I bet that pisses you off, huh." Those seemed to be the magic words, and he started yelling at me, "Look buddy, there's no need for you to chirp, you're winning and you have no skill, so shut the hell up!" I wasn't all that upset about the crack about my skill level -- really, he'd been batting a thousand on how do things wrong thus far this shift, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then -- so I just kind of smiled and saluted, aye aye cap'n, I'll follow orders, at which point the referees told us both to knock it off.
I generally do what the authority figure tells me to, so I shut up, and I didn't say anything to the other team the rest of the game. I yelled encouragement at my own teammates a lot, but that's no different than any other game I play. I actually played pretty passive, I didn't feel like stirring anything up. I had the ball a few times, and it definitely felt like people were whacking me a little harder than was absolutely necessary, but again, if it doesn't really hurt, no big deal. On one particularly crap shift, I managed to pass the ball directly to the guy I'd been jawing at, and he got a pretty good scoring chance out of it. The guy who was guarding me, sensing a prime heckling opportunity, told me it was a nice pass. Short, simple, should have been effective -- but really, if I know somebody's trying to piss me off, why give him the satisfaction? I replied with, "Yeah, those are my specialty," (which, unfortunately, they are, I wasn't kidding about the lack of skill thing), and just kept on running.
Then, with just over three minutes left in the game, when we're winning about 11-4, a loose ball rolls my way, and I have to run towards the boards to get it. The guy on the other team who's chasing me (a guy who has cut the sleeves off of his jersey, either to lessen wind resistance or to make it easier for people to admire his triceps, I'm not sure) has apparently also taken offense to my transgressions from half an hour ago, and decides to teach me a lesson, whacking hell out of me and saying, "Laughin', huh?" as I'm turned around running for the ball. He does actually hit my stick harder than he hits me, but even when he knocks my stick out of my hand, he doesn't seem to actually want the ball, just to hit me. Again -- if that's your goal, then geez, hit hard enough to hurt, for cryin' out loud. He seemed genuinely nostril-snorting angry, but all he did was get called for it, and then after the whistle he just stared me down until the ref told him to go to the penalty box. I didn't say a word, I wasn't angry or banged up, I was mostly just kinda bemused that I'd inspired this level of animosity in an only-sorta-competitive league. I mean, I suck. If you want to get angry at somebody on my team, get angry at the guys who scored all those goals.
So the game ends, and the post-game handshake goes without incident, and I go home and the whole thing rolls around in my head on crazy loop, like it always does when you think of all those things you should have said. Like, when it's pointed out that I have no skill, I could helpfully suggest that pissing people off and drawing penalties seems to be a pretty valid skill. Like, when somebody asks you, "What are you laughing at?" the best answer is probably, "Scoreboard." I've had some great conversations in my head, saving all the best lines for myself, all designed to inflict maximum jerkitude. What I keep coming back to is this -- those guys play on a bad team, they've been looking to get angry for a while now, and I was just the guy who happened to be in the right place at the right time. I'm usually not so into the trash talk -- but if you're gonna start something, I'm totally allowed to finish it, and I'm okay with that.
But you know what really pisses me off?
I'm starting to feel guilty about the whole thing.
Geez.
Friday, November 6, 2009
WWDED?
So -- Phil Jackson is the Zen Master. Fine. I accept that with no hesistation. Derek Fisher is a floor general par excellence, I give you that gladly. And Kobe Bean Bryant is possibly the most dedicated-to-domination individual the world has seen since Alexander III of Macedon, of that there can be no debate. However -- I submit the following for your consideration.
Far be it from me to question the wisdom of any NBA general manager, especially one who is coming off a championship season that oughta prove you're the best in the business -- but really, if Dork Elvis makes no serious effort to retain a player, I will trust his judgement.
- Yao Ming is generally regarded as one of the NBA's premier citizens, a guy who has a couple of billion eyes on him all the time and always seems to make good off court decisions.
- Dikembe Mutombo is a member of the World Sport Humanitarian Hall of Fame, has donated millions of dollars towards building hospitals, and his career-ending injury precipitated an outpouring of "He's one of the all-time good guys" love from NBA players and media alike.
- Shane Battier is the consummate glue-guy team player, the poster child for level-headedness, the kind of guy that makes people say things like “I thought he’d be the first black president,” Wetzel says. “He was Barack Obama before Barack Obama.”
- Rick Adelman, well, the man has got some credentials, and he has to to be considered a player's coach. Yeah, I'm sure Dennis Rodman was a handful back in the day, but I will see you Rodman and raise you a Latrell Sprewell.
Far be it from me to question the wisdom of any NBA general manager, especially one who is coming off a championship season that oughta prove you're the best in the business -- but really, if Dork Elvis makes no serious effort to retain a player, I will trust his judgement.
Start with a bang
So -- this post originally began life when I tried to comment on Empty the Bench, but there was apparently some sort of technical glitch. Since I had already done the work, I figured, what the heck, might as well make a blog and post it my own damn self.
And, just to be clear, this post will contain approximately 1472% more racial epithets than I might use in the next ten years of posting. Just one of those days, I guess. (You should really read that Empty the Bench link if you want this to make sense -- the gist is, an NBA commentator used a racial slur and nobody seemed to really mind.)
Full disclosure -- I'm Caucasian, Canadian, and a 33 year old male. When I discuss slurs, it's through a ludicrously sheltered lens, so I apologize in advance for any inadvertent offence.
So -- I don't really have a strong feeling one way or the other on this issue. I'd probably like to be more offended -- you know, a slur is a slur no matter what, and they should all be treated with similar disdain. Honestly, I'd be okay with any excuse for a short respite from Rick Kamla's shtick, but for some reason this particular word didn't push any of my buttons. I get that it has some historically bad connotations, but so do 'gay' and 'queer', and those have been claimed and become pretty acceptable when the speaker isn't using them maliciously. I'm also allowed to use Frenchman or Irishman, so I could legitimately see myself letting Chinaman slip into my vocabulary in this context. I would absolutely apologize if I realized someone had been offended, and knowing now that it would cause a fuss, hell no would I ever use it on National TV -- but if I had, I would still think an apology offered in good faith would be sufficient reparations.
And, just because I have too much free time on my hands, I tried an experiment. I went to Google and searched combinations of prominent athletes' names with the, uh, appropriate slur. (You know, quote-unquote appropriate. Moving on.) It's ridiculously unscientific and fraught with logical holes, but I just kinda wanted to get a feel for what slurs might be more prevalent, and I figured number of Google hits might do the trick.
(And this is where the post gets NSFW-ish, no graphics, but words that might trip your IT guy's alarm bells. Proceed with caution.)
"Yi Jianlian" chinaman -- 4190 pages
"Yao Ming" chinaman -- 4460
"Yao Ming" chink -- 15700
"Ichiro Suzuki" chinaman -- 793
"Ichiro Suzuki" "jap" -- 1750
"Rik Smits" dutchman -- 8400
"Tony Parker" frenchman -- 6690
"Michael Jordan" nigger -- 34300
"LeBron James" nigger -- 20200
"Kobe Bryant" nigger -- 31800
"Jason Kidd" nigger -- 4510
"Shane Battier" nigger -- 411
"Larry Bird" honky -- 1930
"Dirk Nowitzki" kraut -- 790
"Martin Gortat" polack -- 7870
"Andrei Kirilenko" commie -- 313
"Pau Gasol" spic -- 115
"Andrea Bargnani" wop -- 1160
"John Amaechi" fag -- 5010
"Michael Beasley" addict -- 11500
"Delonte West" nutcase -- 1570
"Ron Artest" "batshit crazy" -- 3390
*"jap" is in quotes because Google returns results for Japan/Japanese otherwise.
So yeah. I think the n-word can probably still be considered the gold standard in this area. Judging by the 3-to-1 ratio of 'ch*nk' to 'ch*naman' to describe Yao Ming, it looks like Kamla didn't exactly let rip the average internet lone gunman's go-to insult for Asians, either. I guess, I'd be inclined to believe someone who didn't realize the severity of the word ch*naman when they were talking about a man with a Chinese passport. Just my opinion.
And, just to be clear, this post will contain approximately 1472% more racial epithets than I might use in the next ten years of posting. Just one of those days, I guess. (You should really read that Empty the Bench link if you want this to make sense -- the gist is, an NBA commentator used a racial slur and nobody seemed to really mind.)
Full disclosure -- I'm Caucasian, Canadian, and a 33 year old male. When I discuss slurs, it's through a ludicrously sheltered lens, so I apologize in advance for any inadvertent offence.
So -- I don't really have a strong feeling one way or the other on this issue. I'd probably like to be more offended -- you know, a slur is a slur no matter what, and they should all be treated with similar disdain. Honestly, I'd be okay with any excuse for a short respite from Rick Kamla's shtick, but for some reason this particular word didn't push any of my buttons. I get that it has some historically bad connotations, but so do 'gay' and 'queer', and those have been claimed and become pretty acceptable when the speaker isn't using them maliciously. I'm also allowed to use Frenchman or Irishman, so I could legitimately see myself letting Chinaman slip into my vocabulary in this context. I would absolutely apologize if I realized someone had been offended, and knowing now that it would cause a fuss, hell no would I ever use it on National TV -- but if I had, I would still think an apology offered in good faith would be sufficient reparations.
And, just because I have too much free time on my hands, I tried an experiment. I went to Google and searched combinations of prominent athletes' names with the, uh, appropriate slur. (You know, quote-unquote appropriate. Moving on.) It's ridiculously unscientific and fraught with logical holes, but I just kinda wanted to get a feel for what slurs might be more prevalent, and I figured number of Google hits might do the trick.
(And this is where the post gets NSFW-ish, no graphics, but words that might trip your IT guy's alarm bells. Proceed with caution.)
"Yi Jianlian" chinaman -- 4190 pages
"Yao Ming" chinaman -- 4460
"Yao Ming" chink -- 15700
"Ichiro Suzuki" chinaman -- 793
"Ichiro Suzuki" "jap" -- 1750
"Rik Smits" dutchman -- 8400
"Tony Parker" frenchman -- 6690
"Michael Jordan" nigger -- 34300
"LeBron James" nigger -- 20200
"Kobe Bryant" nigger -- 31800
"Jason Kidd" nigger -- 4510
"Shane Battier" nigger -- 411
"Larry Bird" honky -- 1930
"Dirk Nowitzki" kraut -- 790
"Martin Gortat" polack -- 7870
"Andrei Kirilenko" commie -- 313
"Pau Gasol" spic -- 115
"Andrea Bargnani" wop -- 1160
"John Amaechi" fag -- 5010
"Michael Beasley" addict -- 11500
"Delonte West" nutcase -- 1570
"Ron Artest" "batshit crazy" -- 3390
*"jap" is in quotes because Google returns results for Japan/Japanese otherwise.
So yeah. I think the n-word can probably still be considered the gold standard in this area. Judging by the 3-to-1 ratio of 'ch*nk' to 'ch*naman' to describe Yao Ming, it looks like Kamla didn't exactly let rip the average internet lone gunman's go-to insult for Asians, either. I guess, I'd be inclined to believe someone who didn't realize the severity of the word ch*naman when they were talking about a man with a Chinese passport. Just my opinion.
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