NBA Power Rankings January 5 2010

Well -- let's just get right to it, shall we? 

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1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Shaq bought LeBron a car for his birthday? Really? I don’t care if you’re close team mates and co-workers, and if the size of your paycheque makes this a mere token of your esteem – that’s a little creepy to me. Just keep playing defence, and sign the card going round the locker room, and we’re good, thanks.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – So, Option 1A has to sit down for a while. I’m a big fan of the Spanish national team, but I wonder if their trainers could use a visit from the Suns staff? Lotsa hammy issues.

3. Orlando Magic – Last year, people figured this team overachieved to get where they were, but now, not so much. Again, I have this hunch it’ll all tighten up when the games really matter, but right now, talent alone will keep this team ticking along.

4. Boston Celtics – Okay, so the injury gods weren’t satisfied with the Pierce offering, they went back for seconds and thirds. The Celts still won (yeah, it was just the Raps, but still), and injuries now are way preferable to injuries in March. I’m sure all concerned will live with it.

5. Dallas Mavericks – I never have anything to say about these guys. Dirk is awesome, but the problem is, they’ve set the bar so high that anything less than a Finals run will feel a little disappointing, and does anybody honestly see that happening?

6. San Antonio Spurs – This is a little weird – they appear to be rounding into form, but they haven’t gone on the Rodeo trip yet. I’d be a little discombobulated if this constitutes peaking too early.

7. Portland Trail Blazers – This is still a good team. A good team with lead weights crashing into its ankles, granted, but still a good team. It just remains to be seen if a shorthanded good team can be better than a healthy Memphis or Thunder. Man, it’d be nice to be in the East. Just ask Hedo.

8. Atlanta Hawks – Okay, now that’s the Hawks we all know, losing to the Heat because they don’t focus their talent properly. That’s a relief to the rest of the League.

(wait a beat)

No, I was just trying to convince myself. It’s a blip, they’ll be fine, and they’re still scary.

9. Phoenix Suns – I think these guys really enjoy going to work every day. That’s a gift, and I’d take it.

10. Denver Nuggets – Injuries haven’t hit these guys harder than any other teams, but they seem to be more affected by them so far. Does Chauncey want to be a coach when he retires? I bet he could get some work.

11. Houston Rockets – Okay, I wasn’t sure who you could plug into this line-up to make them better, but the T-Mac for Iguodala rumours piqued my interest. I can’t for the life of me figure out why Philly would think this was a good idea, but if it happens, I may need to get a tattoo to memorialize the event.

12. Oklahoma City Thunder – I just shake my head. This year was just supposed to be practice.

13. Utah Jazz – So, I suppose, you shouldn’t be surprised by inconsistency from a team named after a series of discordant notes?

14. Memphis Grizzlies – Yeah, that Jazz blurb was awful, sorry about that. It did, however, give me an excuse to write about something that isn’t the Grizzlies in the Memphis slot, and that can never be over-rated.

15. Miami Heat – I hadn’t realized that there’s no state income tax in Florida, which means Wade would have to leave even more money on the table if he wanted to jump ship as a free agent. No wonder everybody there is so secure in waiting for the future.

16. Toronto Raptors – I’d like to feel good about December for a bit longer, but January starts out a little rough, so it may be a toughie.

17. New Orleans Hornets – I’d have to assume Chris Paul is getting a little more help lately.

18. Charlotte Bobcats – So, if you’re finally gonna win a road game, you might as well do it in Cleveland, just to make up for all the other ones you probably coulda won. If they ever learned the basketball fundamental of not giving the ball to the other team, they might be dangerous.

19. Chicago Bulls – Fans are fickle. Vinny still has a job, but since his team won a few times, people aren’t as angry about it. Just wait.

20. New York Knicks – Nate gets forty-one points off the bench to beat the Hawks. Forty-one. Forty-one. I’m sorry for fixating on the number as opposed to emphasizing that it happened in a victory, but it just sorta seemed appropriate in this case. Next week I’ll talk about Larry Hughes, and likely use almost the same template.

21. Sacramento Kings – Ah, youth, where you get to play like you don’t realize you’re supposed to lose. Fun times.

22. Los Angeles Clippers – My favourite NBA punching bag is Ricky Davis – there’s just something about the guy that curls my upper lip. The fact that a former 20-point scorer averages under 12 minutes a game for the below .500 Clippers when he’s only 30, well, it’s one of those things that indicates the universe will eventually balance out.

23. Philadelphia 76ers – I don’t want to see Iverson voted on to the all-star team, and yet, I do. Hubris is intoxicating.

24. Milwaukee Bucks – It’s easy to be a playoff team when your rookie point guard drops 55. The odds of him averaging that feat, however, are somewhat slim.

25. Detroit Pistons – Less than a month ago, the Pistons were 15th on this list. There are other bad teams going through other bad stretches, but nobody’s fallen as hard as these guys.

26. Golden State Warriors – Please, don’t reduce me to writing about Corey Maggette. A fine player I’m sure, but come on -- on that roster, if he’s the storyline, there’s a young stud/riddle/project/freak-of-nature who’s being neglected.

27. Washington Wizards – I gotta say, it’s nice when teams way down at the bottom of the list give me something easy to write about. That said, resorting to firearms might be working a touch too hard for attention. Whatever happened to just flipping the bird to opposing fans? I’m almost nostalgic for a sex tape scandal.

28. Indiana Pacers – Troy Murphy is making eleven million dollars this year? Wow. I mean, I have absolutely nothing against the guy, but was he a franchise player at some point and I missed it?

29. Minnesota Timberwolves – There are people who write about the Minnesota Timberwolves every day, and some of them don’t even get paid for it. This is that kind of world.

30. New Jersey Nets – Honestly, I think the most important thing they could do would be to just shower the players with non-basketball related perks for the rest of the season. Get a bunch of stand-up comics to shag balls and keep the practices light-hearted. Spring for bi-weekly spa days for the wives and girlfriends. Winning just ain’t gonna happen, so it’s best to be able to live with it.