NBA Power Rankings, February 10 2010

Full disclosure -- I missed a couple of weeks of these things for the ever-popular 'personal reasons' (some good, some bad, you know), and I'd really love to come back with a bullet, but I honestly just haven't been paying as much attention as usual lately. That, and with a lack of overtly newsworthy happenstances (unless yer a big fan of naked cell phone pics of athletes) means that I might just go a little off the rails with this one. You know, have some fun.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Now that they’re on this kind of roll, Shaq thinks LeBron should get his own movie where he comes out of a lamp. He should also be Dr. Manhattan-blue in it, but for the love of god, keep your pants on.

2. Los Angeles Lakers – Kobe Bryant has been forced – forced! – to miss some playing time due to injuries. He will spend every second until his next game meditating in a hyperbaric chamber, while the books-on-tape version of “A Million Little Pieces” is playing in the background.

3. Utah Jazz – I like seeing this team way up here. Jerry Sloan don’t care a fig.

4. Denver Nuggets – Effective April 1st, this team will officially change its name to “The Denver ButCanTheyBeatTheLakersInThePlayoffs.” That will be one bitchin’ jersey, lemme tell ya.

5. Orlando Magic – Charlie Villanueva once scored 48 points in an NBA game, and is now regarded rather wistfully as a quite talented player who lacks the drive to reach his full potential. Just sayin’.

6. Atlanta Hawks – Shaving your eyebrows. Thus far, pretty much the only new motivational tactic that Phil Jackson hadn’t already tried. Bravo, good sir.

7. Oklahoma City Thunder – One fish, two fish, young fish…

8. Boston Celtics – … old fish.

9. Phoenix Suns – I like to pronounce it, “Foh-ennix.” That has nothing to do with anything, except to advertise that there is obviously something wrong with me.

10. San Antonio Spurs – The Rodeo Trip has started, but no-one is scared.

11. Dallas Mavericks – Here is a list of words that rhyme with Dirk. Work. Perk. Berserk.

12. Toronto Raptors –You know, I’m kinda almost more interested in the psychology of the folks compiling these lists. Toronto is all over the map in terms of how people rate them, from a high of 8 on one list to a low of 16 on another. That’s a difference of 8 ranks, and only one other team is that hard to peg.

13. Portland Trail Blazers – I’m making no more Juwan-Howard-is-old jokes. Not only are they played out, and not only is he too close to my own age that the jokes sting a little, but I just found out he is exactly one year older than Steve Nash. One year older than a guy who is arguably playing better than he did when he won consecutive MVP awards. I don’t think 6 points, 5 boards and sound defence should be all that surprising.

14. Memphis Grizzlies – You know, I’ve wondered this for a while – why the heck is he called Z-Bo? What is that short for? Bonus side note – try googling “z-bo”. He’s getting better press than he used to, that’s for sure, exhibits A and B.

15. Houston Rockets – I would really like if this team made the playoffs. That said, I would really like this team to have at least one lottery pick on the roster. Tough decisions.

16. Charlotte Bobcats – This is the other team with an 8-point spread in the ranks, reinforcing my belief that this team is the anti-Raptors. Interesting to note is that in both cases, Hollinger is the outlier, and his no-bias numbers like Charlotte way better than the Raptors. Defence is overlooked, offence is sexy. I don’t trust this team, but I wouldn’t want to play against them, either.

17. Chicago Bulls – An historic five-game road win streak, followed by the traditional foot-shooting party at home. They’re probably gonna make the playoffs. Hooray for all of us?

18. Milwaukee Bucks – What is it with foreign-born 7-foot former number one draft picks with the initials AB this season? Are either one of them the number one pick if you do it all over again today? Nope. Are both of them finally starting to live up to their potential? Seems like yes. Especially the Aussie.

19. New Orleans Hornets – I’ve seen one pro football game live in my life, and it was a post-Katrina tilt in the Superdome. It was packed. That same week, I saw a Hornets game live, and the place was about five-eighths full. I’m not saying the Cajuns don’t love their roundball, but maybe, for this next week or two, they don’t miss Chris Paul as much as they might have.

20. Miami Heat – South Florida is a lovely place to work, but really, it’ll take a whole lot of free agents to fix this team. This better be one heck of a summer.

21. Philadelphia 76ers – And in one last bit of ranking psychology trivia, the 76ers are the most consistently ranked team on the list – unless you count the unanimous dead last spot for the Nets, but everybody discounts the Nets, it’s just a given. They were ranked 21 across the board except for one daring leap to 20. It was almost like everybody said, “Okay, I’ve taken care of every team that has a remote chance of making the playoffs in either conference. Who’s next? Huh, a four game winning streak. Sure, what the hell, put Philly here. It’s not like anyone cares.”

22. Los Angeles Clippers – Dunleavy waited until Super Bowl week to drop the coaching duties to concentrate on being a GM. It’s like he was specifically trying to avoid being the topic of another Simmons column.

23. Indiana Pacers – Alas, no-one cares.

24. New York Knicks – Alas, people care.

25. Washington Wizards – Gilbert Arenas will play for the Wizards next year. I feel it in my bones.

26. Minnesota Timberwolves – No trades. Add a pick, see what develops in the post-McHale era.

27. Detroit Pistons – I almost gotta start doubting Joe Dumars – especially when I figure, if he got fired tomorrow, his successor would have a hell of a time digging out from under this last few years.

28. Sacramento Kings – No trades. Add a pick, see what develops in the wow-they-have-a-lot-of-rookies era.

29. Golden State Warriors – I really want them to use their injury troubles as a marketing tool. Like, could you convince Charles Barkley to sign a 10-day contract? He wouldn’t be able to play a lick, and Monta would just keep racking up complete games, but it would definitely fill seats. And it’s not like it’ll screw up chemistry or hurt their record. Seriously, even with Marbury off the continent, you could go Sprewell, Francis, Bill Walton’s out of work lately. Stern would have your children kidnapped, but damn it would be funny.

30. New Jersey Nets – I am not a rapper.