NBA Power Rankings, December 11 2009

1. Los Angeles Lakers – So, the Lakers are healthy, right? Wait, what? You mean Luke Walton is injured? Well, all right! Other teams might have a chance now!

2. Orlando Magic – It’s quiet. Too quiet.

3. Boston Celtics – I think someone should start a petition requesting Kendrick Perkins grow an evil-Shatner goatee. I also nominate anybody but me to present it to him.

4. Denver Nuggets – I think a trade for Tyler Hansbrough has gotta be in the works. This team needs some non-tattooed skin.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers – Shaq, Shaq, Shaq. How much longer until you are no longer talented enough say whatever you want? The over/under is about 2.5 years. Would have been longer if you hadn’t stolen Nash’s reality TV idea.

6. Atlanta Hawks – Jamal Crawford is on the first playoff-bound team of his career. He’s rested.

7. Phoenix Suns – Steve Nash’s hair is a bit too short for my tastes right now. Otherwise, have at it, young man.

8. Dallas Mavericks – Who wins a seven game playoff starting tomorrow, Mavs or Spurs? It’s for the NBA’s official “One Last Try Before The Window Closes” Team, if that sweetens the pot any.

9. Utah Jazz – Did anybody go to prom with the Jazz? I saw them at the reunion a while ago, and they’ve aged pretty well. Not a knockout anymore, but you know, still pretty hot for their age.

10. Houston Rockets – Okay, take out the elite no-brainers (Kobe, LeBron, Paul, etc) – who could you trade for that you would trust to make this line-up better? If the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, which part could you safely tinker with?

11. Oklahoma City Thunder – I completely believe this team is currently accurately rated, and yet, I don’t think they will be this high at the end of the year. I’d like to be proven wrong, though.

12. Portland Trail Blazers – Remember two years ago, when the Blazers were the team of the future, and then last year, it became the Thunder? I dig the current Blazer team okay, but I have bad premonitions for the future. The front office seems to be better with talent than with contracts, and that may bite’em.

13. Miami Heat – If I asked you, “Who is the least pimp player in the NBA?”, I would totally understand if you chose Chris Quinn. Of course, that’s only because I assume most of you haven’t seen this picture.

14. San Antonio Spurs – Matt Bonner? Round peg in a round hole. Richard Jefferson? Round peg in a round hole that might be just a skosh too big for him. Time will tell.

15. Sacramento Kings – They mostly just anger me right now, because everybody’s so happy that they’re exceeding expectations. This warm fuzziness will last until next year, when they improve on this year but not by enough to please everyone’s falsely inflated expectations. Gah.

16. New Orleans Hornets – Your record gets better when you’re forced to start relying on the rookies. I have slack-jawed awe for Chris Paul, but even when he’s back to full strength, I don’t see this lasting.

17. Milwaukee Bucks – Yeah, yeah, Jennings blah blah blah. Dig him and all, but check the record when Bogut is out of the line-up. Dude’s such a team player, he high fives himself.

18. Los Angeles Clippers – It’s the Clips. Insert standard Clippers comment here.

19. Charlotte Bobcats – This will be the best season of Larry Brown’s Bobcats tenure, no matter how long it lasts. They might make the playoffs. Dream big, guys.

20. Memphis Grizzlies – I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. How does a team trade for Zach Randolph and get better? Must be Conley’s good influence.

21. Detroit Pistons – I think this team, as currently constructed, is performing as well as you could reasonably expect. Dream big, guys.

22. Toronto Raptors – I want to simultaneously believe that this team will be in the top half of the league at the end of the season, while presently being vastly over-rated at the 22-spot.

23. Washington Wizards – There’s no there there.

24. Chicago Bulls – These guys. Can’t score. On. The Raptors. Twice.

25. New York Knicks – Nate, Iverson was 33 before they benched him, and he’s taller than you. Please give your head a shake.

26. Golden State Warriors – Tractors. Vinyl pants. Calculus. Appendicitis. It is not required to make sense when discussing Nellie-ball.

27. Indiana Pacers – Very few teams get better after trading Rasho Nesterovic. The Spurs might be an exception, but geez, the Spurs are always an exception.

28. Philadelphia 76ers – Somebody deserves better than this. Probably Iguodala.

29. Minnesota Timberwolves – I do believe this team will get better, but not quickly, and not strongly enough to guess how much better. That’s depressing.

30. New Jersey Nets – They used to be car-wreck bad, but once they won a couple, they can just go back to being the kind of bad that nobody cares about.